ZFP Challenge: No. 1

Photo courtesy of  stockimages / freedigitalphotos.net

At the beginning of 2013, rather than making a new year’s resolution, I set myself several challenges which I aimed to achieve.  One challenge was to chat up a guy and get his number.  This might sound a little odd because in networking situations I'm able to walk up to any guy, talk to him and get his number, albeit his work number on a business card.  However, put me into any other situation… and I just can’t.

A few weeks ago I met up with a friend for a few after work drinks in Soho.  She is single by choice, despite the constant attention she receives.  She is one of the most outgoing people I know, living life without fear of what other people think.

As I sipped an espresso martini, she and I talked with live music playing in the background, when a group of guys sat on the sofa next to us.  As groups of guys go, they were all very good looking.  In such situations, I keep myself to myself and don’t make the first move, even when I'm drunk.  My friend is the opposite: unafraid to make eye contact, thinking ahead to find an excuse to talk to them.  She is a flirt; and a very good one!

Photo courtesy of  stockimages / freedigitalphotos.net

True to form, my friend found a way to talk to the guys and managed to get one of them to dance with me.  Needless to say, it was great!  What woman doesn't like to be spun around a dance floor by a good looking man, who smelled amazing, and is strong enough to pick you up?  I slightly swooned.

How did it end?  He left with his friends, with only an awkward goodbye.  I didn't even ask him his name and he didn't ask for mine.  This is always somewhat of a surprise – my unwillingness to take chances, make my own luck and also my fear of rejection.

Photo courtesy of  stockimages / freedigitalphotos.net

This got me thinking.  I never accomplished my goal of 2013 to talk to a guy.  I'm going to challenge myself to do it again.  And going forward, I will set further challenges for myself.  Call it research for The ZFP.

I'm due to see my friend again this coming week.  It's an opportunity to consider a different perspective.

Zara the Confused

The Established Professional Female with a plan
Image courtesy of
photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I am not alone in being an openly career orientated woman.  Navigating through work is simpler than navigating through the minefield of the bit between dating and a relationship.

Being an ambitious, single woman with a career doesn’t prepare you for dealing with your personal life – you cannot treat your personal life like a business contract. In particular with me, I don’t always know what I’m doing; things aren’t always as mapped out for us as they first appear, and we’re not always as cool and collected as we like to appear.

Naive
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/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As I write this, I am currently on a flight back from Edinburgh. Edinburgh was a much needed escape from reality and the rat race, but more importantly, the dating game.

Whilst writing my two month update, I decided that due to work commitments and how I felt at present, now probably wasn’t the best time to be actively looking for a relationship. However, I would continue dating and after encouragement from Megan, I joined Tinder on the August Bank Holiday weekend. Megan thought I was missing out on a large part of modern dating by not immersing myself in the Tinder experience. So I joined with a view to just experience it. I expected nothing from it, especially after hearing Megan’s Tinder disaster stories.

Perhaps I was a little naive or a little misinformed. After a lot of treadmill messaging with numerous guys, one guy piqued my attention more than others – Mr Kilt. I felt myself strangely drawn to him.

Unexpected
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On the Monday I had my first Tinder date with Mr Kilt. I knew we had a lot in common, such as being in the same line of work, so if all else failed, we had a fall-back conversation topic.

Expecting so little from Tinder, I was pleasantly surprised with him and the date. In numerous ways, Mr Kilt both is and isn’t my type. He is a tall guy with a professional career in finance. But he is a man of few words and seldom smiles – very much the silent brooding type – but very deadpan-sarcastic with anything he does say, so a little difficult to read at times.

The Female Freak Out
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/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

After the first date he asked me out again. On Thursday we had an impromptu date when I left work late, going for a few drinks. Again, I had a lovely time. But the next date on Saturday was probably one of the best dates I’ve been on. We also met up for dinner the following Tuesday and we scheduled to see each other once again on Sunday, before I was due to fly out to Edinburgh.

So, what’s the problem?

Simple answer: me.

I had a complete freak out and cancelled Sunday’s date.

I have written a short series on Male Freak Outs (MFOs) which highlights various elements of it. Well, women can freak out too.  And I certainly did.

Running away
Image courtesy of photostock
/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why did I freak out?

This might seem stupid, but it was because it was going too well.  I liked him way more than I was comfortable with, and he’s too much of a knight in shining armour for what I’ve become accustomed to.  I’ve never come across a guy who offers to walk me home just to spend a little more time with me and to make sure I get home – no ulterior motive.

Being fiercely independent, career orientated, and single for the past 3 years, I’m not used to feeling like I do now.  In a strange way, I feel my career and independence being threatened.  I’m not used to craving his attention or looking forward to seeing him as much as I do.  Nor am I used to feeling guilty for going on dates with other guys.  However, we  have not discussed exclusivity.  Whilst on a date with Mr Woo all I could think about was how much I wished I was actually with Mr Kilt.  While I'm talking to other guys on Tinder, the only guy really I want to hear from is Mr Kilt.


Contemplating the solution
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Feeling things you’re not used to is scary and confusing.  And I admit it, I got scared and I didn’t know how to deal with it.  More than anything, the way I feel and the lack of control I have makes me feel insecure.  I hate feeling insecure and unsure of myself and any situation I find myself in.

What’s the solution?

To start, I ran away to Scotland and put 521km (according toTinder) between us.  My holiday was conveniently well timed.  Whilst there, although I did talk to other guys on Tinder, I didn't go on any dates.  I guess this allowed me to think about what was really important in my life and what I ultimately want.

Mr Kilt knows I freaked out – I told him.  He has been incredibly patient and he has let me sort out my head in my own time.  When I said he wasn’t my usual type, I think it’s evident by the fact he’s so laid back and spontaneous.  But maybe that’s what I need...

The Venue Review - Sketch

Street entrance
9 Conduit Steet

The Venue: Sketch  www.sketch.uk.com

The Location: 9 Conduit Street, London

Nearest Tube: Oxford Circus, exit 5

The Date: The first time I went to Sketch was in March 2014, for a first date with Mr Truffle. It had been a place I had heard of before and really wanted to visit, so was really excited when Mr Truffle told me that was where we were going.

On the evening Mr Truffle was waiting for me outside the entrance to the bar. Mr Truffle was my 41st date since March 2012, and 38th Match.com date.

On entering we were promptly greeted and guided (via the free cloakroom) to the Glade Bar, draped in green with wicker furniture (which quickly snagged my tights). I was in my work clothes – I rarely bother changing to go on dates when it’s after work.

View from the cloakroom
towards the road

The Glade Bar
Past the cloakroom on the left

Lovely Bubbly cocktails
at the East Bar

Everyone working there greeted you with a smile and was exceptionally polite. Mr Truffle had booked a table, so he had clearly given the date some thought. The lights were dimmed and there was a relaxing date ambiance, where you could talk, hear, but not be overheard, although we sat in front of each other in an almost interview-like style. There were other couples on dates, as well as small groups of women. I didn't get the impression it was a place for single women to go to pick up men.

The East Bar

Although Mr Truffle was a sweet guy, I wasn't entirely sure he was the one. I just wasn't feeling it – there was something too nice and non-ambitious about him which started tipping him into the friend zone. Being a work night, I think we stayed for about 3 drinks each before calling it a night. He was a gentleman, insisted on picking up the bill, and then walked me to the tube stop. A kiss on each cheek to say goodnight, but not a proper kiss.

The Overview: Sketch is a stylish bar in central London consisting of four distinct rooms and a Michelin star restaurant, and has been featured in Made in Chelsea. It is easy to find, but its location just away from the main Oxford Street area means that it is far less touristy than other venues in the area. The entrance itself is impressive, with understated but grand lighting and a friendly doorman. There is something quintessentially Britishly quirky about it.


It is very versatile, and the differently decorated areas make the venue suitable for a date, after work drinks with the girls or afternoon tea. Sketch has a sophisticated atmosphere, friendly staff, and amazing (though slightly pricey) cocktails. However, the cocktail prices are on par with those you get in other good cocktail bars in London which are worth a visit. The venue also provides table service, with a 12.5% service charge on the bill.

Toilets, situated above the East Bar

Holly and I visited late on a summer Saturday afternoon and were swiftly shown through to the futuristic and pod-like East Bar, via the Gallery. The East Bar is certainly very different to the Glade, and this area would perhaps not be so suited to a date due to the more exposed bench-like seating circling the sunken bar. However like the Glade Bar, the music was loud enough to prevent us being overheard but low enough to talk easily and would be a perfect start to a girls’ night out in Central London (Holly was definitely a fan!). And the sleek white space-pod toilets are a statement all on their own.

The Verdict: Sketch’s versatility would make it a great venue for an after work date, but a reservation would be recommended, and the more relaxed and intimate atmosphere of the Glade Bar would be much more suited to a date than the East Bar.

If you want to impress on a date but be a little outside the box, Sketch is highly recommended.

The ZFP

Why singledom shouldn’t make us a one-woman sitcom

Megan changed jobs recently.  When I messaged her to ask how it was all going, she said of her entire workplace, she is the only single woman there.  Already, her new colleagues are prying into her personal life, asking her stupid questions, and offering advice which actually just comes across as annoying clichés we've heard a thousand times before.  She has already been asked by one woman which of the men they work with does she fancy.  Because obviously, if you’re not in a relationship, you have no standards and you’ll fancy anything in close proximity that moves. Holly is in a similar situation – colleagues who know that she is single are often making comments about men in the office who they think may be eligible, and have even tried to set her up with their friends as if being single is some kind of crime.


Scrutinised just for being single
Image courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici 
/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It can be difficult when you find yourself being the only single woman in a particular environment where the people around you aren't close friends.  When people discover this your private life, your views and your flaws come under scrutiny.  People ask questions about your private life like they have a right to know, when in fact it’s none of their business and quite frankly, irrelevant in any situation.

Whereas it appears fine for a man to be single, the acceptance for a woman of a certain age to be single isn't quite the same.  It’s like such knowledge causes some sort of hardwire malfunction in people’s brains, which causes them to say and ask stupid things.  I think the stupidest question Megan was asked when she said she was single and wasn't dating at the time, was whether she was a lesbian. Seriously, what the hell..?!

People will say that they’re only asking because they want to get to know you better as a person; that they are just interested in how the whole dating thing works.  However, I would never dream of asking someone in a long term relationship, who isn't a close friend, whether they still have regular sex.  So why would it be okay for such a person to ask me whether I'm having sex with a guy I'm currently dating?  Why is such a question ever relevant?

The one-woman office sitcom
Image courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici
 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To all intents and purposes, you become a one woman sitcom, regardless of whether you want to talk about it or not; regardless of whether you want your private life to be a talking point for people to laugh at. Your life becomes a mockery because everyone thinks dating is so much fun! So by that logic, it’s okay to make fun of the single woman, because they’re laughing with you. But are they really laughing with you when they don’t actually want to talk about it? Or are they just being laughed at and trying not to show that it hurts? The truth behind dating is that it isn't always fun, and sometimes, you just don’t want to talk about it.


My blog, my passion
Image courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici 
/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

From the moment it got leaked at my old workplace that I was dating, I became that one woman sitcom at the office. I was selective about who I told, but as with any sort of personal knowledge at work, it rarely stays secret; everyone likes to know things they shouldn't. In my new workplace, I've kept my dating under much tighter wraps, but I am open about being contentedly single. Fortunately for me, my new colleagues are less inclined to pry and they certainly don’t judge me for being single.

Last week, I noticed that the number of views this blog was receiving had shot up. Initially I was thrilled, but later discovered that an ex-colleague had found the blog and, as with any other sort of knowledge which isn't widely known, had been emailing the link around the office. While that in itself is fine, it was the response I got which really pissed me off.


Stop attacking my work!
Image courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici 
/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I had planned to meet up with those ex-colleagues for drinks, but arrived late and they were already drunk. I was met immediately with a barrage of questions, and as ever, was challenged about my views on dating and relationships, with conversation getting quite confrontational about my style of writing, emotional connection with my readers and subject matter.  As stupid and inappropriate questions go, I got asked a lot that night, under the cover of I just want to understand more about dating.

But this is what I mean by people thinking you are a one woman sitcom. They asked why I didn't write about my sex life, or write more about the individual guys I dated and what I thought of them. Quite simply, because it’s my private life and The ZFP isn't a dating diary.

Dating advice blogs and dating diary blogs are different – it’s not rocket science. I've deliberately chosen a journalistic style when explaining concepts. I doubt someone on the internet looking for advice about a specific situation is going to read through what I thought of one particular guy on a particular date. And I'm not going to have an emotional connection with my readers if the readers in question are so far removed from my target audience and are only even reading to be nosy and attack something I'm passionate about!

So how’s that for showing emotion on my blog?
Single women have every right to privacy and not to be judged based on someone else’s expectations. Sometimes, we don’t want to talk about our dates or the guys we've dated, and we don’t want to be attacked for trying to help people in the same situation. So deal with it.

The ZFP Update: No.1 – Two Months In

Keeping Calm

It's now been 2 months since I started writing for the ZFP.  The initial plan for this blog was to draw from my own dating experiences and those of my friends and to provide advice.  I wanted to show that single women in their 30’s can be secure and independent, and not necessarily in want of an instant husband and child.

When making plans for the ZFP, I had a list of topics and a general order of all the things I wanted to write about.  Have I stuck to it?

Not quite.  More often than not my blog posts are governed by what I'm experiencing at the time, what my friends are encountering and what I feel is really important to consider when it comes to dating.

The Tour de France in London

Life happens even when you've made plans, but that’s okay.  We’re adaptable and we can work around the plan and modify it accordingly.

The past 2 months have been unpredictable.  I've stopped dating Mr Cool, stood in the rain to glimpse the cyclists in the Tour de France blitz by, escaped to York for a weekend, got married to my job (I've been working some crazy hours), allowed my inner cougar to resurface very briefly to charm a very cute Australian barman making my drink, and turned down a date with a guy I met on a train platform when he went a bit strange before the first date.

York Minster

I have also reached 45 first dates (42 Match.com dates).  Mr Watch turned out to be a bit too different for me (and there have been more developments since that post!).  Mr Whom didn't respond to my last text message.

But that is the nature of dating if you’re looking for the one; it’s a stats game – statistically, any guy you date has a one in… however many chance of being the one.

Being a Cougar

Am I disheartened by this?  Not in the slightest.  But I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are times when I find dating incredibly frustrating.

A few weeks ago I met Alastair and Amy for dinner.  Amy asked me why, if I had such a talent of helping my friends with dating, can’t I convert any of my dates into relationships.  Fair question.

My knowledge centres around dating, not relationships.  I can advise both men and women how to date and where to date, but the actual conversion of the dates into relationships – my friends did that themselves and I can’t take any credit for that.

At Piccadilly Circus

So where am I emotionally and physically with dating, relationships and career?

With my recent job change and commitment to my career, I don’t feel I can fully commit to the idea of a relationship right now; I'm neither emotionally or physically in the right place for it as my priorities lie elsewhere.  Dating has also been difficult because I've been working late most evenings.  However, I don’t feel there is any reason for me to rule out dating.

If the one appears?  I’ll adapt the situation accordingly.  As much as I am enjoying my work and life as it is right now, I won’t pass up a chance with the one.

Online Dating Fail: Unreasonable Expectations

Being somewhat married to my job for the past 4 weeks has hindered not only my social life, but my dating prowess.  So I was pleased when I managed to secure my 44th first date (41st courtesy of Match.com) after a week of corresponding with Mr Watch.

Online dating whilst being married to the job
Image courtesy of marcolm / freedigitalphotos.net

Mr Watch wasn't my usual type, however friends had been telling me to consider guys who I wouldn't usually.  Given Mr Watch and I had things in common and had been corresponding for over a week, I thought it a good idea to be open minded.

The date itself went well, although he seemed a little distracted by his phones at times.  Within the first hour of us meeting, he took a business call.  He also talked about work and his money far more than I was comfortable with.

Despite having a pleasant time, I left the date a little unsure.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was just nervous and that there was a language barrier (he wasn't a native English speaker).  I did like him, so I wanted to see him again to establish whether there was something worth pursuing.

The next day, I woke up feeling exhausted, with my contact lenses still in (again).  I had also left my Match.com account logged in on my laptop overnight.  I saw I had a message on my phone from Mr Watch: he was seeing family.  Knowing he was busy, I sent a brief response and thought nothing more of it – I didn't want to disturb him.  I spent the rest of my day napping, doing laundry, catching up on admin, and writing last week’s blog post, The Male Freak Out Phase: Coping Mantra. 

That evening when I checked my Match.com account, I saw that Mr Watch had sent me a message asking me how I was enjoying Match.com.  I found it strange, since we had started to message by phone.  I replied by phone asking what he meant, despite sensing he was annoyed at me.  His response: he found me disappointing (!) because I was constantly online.  He said it wasn't like I had a busy day (!) so didn't know why I was so quiet and didn't message him more throughout the day.  Moreover, he found it surprising that I was still on Match.com, i.e. I still had an active profile and was logged in, when we had a good date the night before and we had agreed to a second date.

Seriously, after ONE DATE?!

I appreciate that he could feel a little upset by seeing my profile still active.  But there is a reasonable way of going about expressing yourself… he was not doing that…

… I had to take a few deep breaths…

It had been one date.  ONE DATE!

It had been a pleasant date, and I had agreed to see him again, but we were dating – not in a relationship!  His expectations of me were, I felt, unreasonable after just one date. 

Furthermore, we hadn't discussed coming off Match.com (not that I would have agreed anyway when I wasn't 100% sure about him AND it had only been ONE DATE).  Although he did not make demands for me to do what he expected, rather to just realise and know what to do, I felt the situation and his behaviour was made even more unreasonable.

I explained to him that for the time being, while we weren't in a relationship, if he wanted to date other women, that was fine.  This was the nature of online dating, and we didn't have agreed exclusivity.  I made myself clear that he can’t expect me to come off Match.com when we hadn't even discussed it!

I find it off putting when a guy complains that I do not message enough and can’t appreciate that I need downtime on my own.  More off putting is a guy who expects me to know what he thinks.

I have pretty good female intuition, but I've yet to develop my psychic powers.  As soon as I do, sod dating – I'm becoming a superhero!

What surprised me the most was his petulant attitude and response.  There was no mature discussion, just a strop and lashing out.  I don’t expect nor can I tolerate that from a grown man. 

After his strop, he told me he couldn't talk to me because he was busy.  This was feeling like a personal attack, despite it being my actions which he was disappointed in.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't end there!

Seriously, what the hell, Mr Watch?
Image courtesy of marcolm / freedigitalphotos.net

At midnight he messaged me again on Match.com while I was turning my laptop off and getting ready for bed.  This time he insinuated that my approach to dating was just to use men and to get laid, and that I wasn't really looking for a relationship!

I had work the next morning and needed to sleep.  I didn't have time to deal with this.

Shortly afterwards I saw I had a missed call from him too.  I knew at this point I needed to nip it in the bud.  I responded by message, saying that I thought we were too different as people to continue dating.  He responded that it was a shame; he liked me and he was planning on taking me to an amazing restaurant which I would have loved.  But we had discussed this enough already.  I agreed that it was a shame because I did like him, but as with dating, sometimes it just didn't work.

AND THEN… he called me again… to discuss everything we had already discussed in our messages!

He questioned what I was looking for; forcing his opinion on me that I was going about things the wrong way and I would never find anyone decent.  He kept repeating everything.  Despite me saying I wasn't psychic and didn't know what he wanted, he stated it was common sense and I should have known!

When he insinuated again that I was wrong and just used men, I lost all patience with him.  I said my piece, told him I had no more time for him if he had nothing new to say, then ended the call.

It did occur to me that maybe I was being a bitch, but when I spoke to friends, both male and female, they were surprised that I was as patient as I was with him.  They think his response was over the top and inappropriately possessive.  They thought I would have cut ties with him the moment he got arsey and possessive, knowing that I don’t tolerate unreasonable behaviour.  I feel I often give the impression of being unforgiving and harsh, but do actually give people the benefit of the doubt and I certainly try to be as open minded as possible.

Too tired to deal with his drama
Image courtesy of marcolm / freedigitalphotos.net

There are constructive and non-confrontational ways of expressing yourself if you’re unhappy about someone’s behaviour; his wasn't the right way.  His behaviour didn't make me feel like I wanted to be with him.  I don’t feel it’s justifiable to throw a strop at someone after one date for still having an active online dating profile, especially without discussing taking the profiles down.  And it wasn't like he had taken his profile down either!  It was a little creepy that he was stalking my online presence and then commented on it.

So, the message from this is: guys – don’t go weird on a woman after one date.  This applies to women too.  It’s just not helpful and you can pretty much kiss goodbye to your chance of a second date.

The Male Freak Out Phase: Coping Mantra

In my previous blog posts I wrote about the signs of the male freak out (MFO) phase in addition to why guys freak out.  As useful as it is spotting the signs of a MFO and understanding why guys freak out, what’s more important when you are in the midst of experiencing a guy freak out, is how to cope.

Frustrated, restless, confused
Image courtesy of
marin / freedigitalphotos.net

In the last post, The Male Freak Out Phase: An Explanation, I described how Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised made me feel when they freaked out: frustrated, restless, confused.  They both freaked out again after resurfacing – when it happened, I was better prepared.

Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised weren’t the only guys who freaked out on me.  When I suspected Mr Ten, Mr Red, Mr Always-Right and Mr Boa were freaking out, I was able to handle each situation relatively well, each time always a little better than the last.  I’ve learnt a little more each time.  Now, whenever a guy I’m dating freaks out, I adopt a set of well-practiced mantras, which I’m now going to share with you.

You deserve better than his behaviour!

You do not deserve to be ignored or made to feel confused.  Yes, he might be a really nice guy and may only be behaving like a douche because he himself is confused, but there are other ways to behave and he knows his behaviour is unkind.  Don’t be the woman who tolerates it.

You deserve respect

To be treated with respect, you must demand respect by respecting yourself and by behaving like you expect it from others.  You need to stand up for yourself.  If you aren’t getting the respect you deserve from him, ask yourself whether you can truly be with someone who doesn’t respect you.  Always be true to yourself and choose dignity over any guy.

Don't chase after him
Image courtesy of marin / freedigitalphotos.net

Don’t be the girl that chases after the guy 

Your actions pre freak out have relatively little impact.  During freak out, guys emotionally withdraw because they need space, so give him space.  There is no need to remind him that you like him – unless he’s stupid or you've not let on before that you like him – he knows it.  So let him ride out the MFO phase – on his own – you can’t help and it’s not your responsibility.

It’s tempting to send a quick message saying, “hope you’re okay”, or “I miss you” – but don’t. Messages like that won’t help if he needs space.  The more you chase, the further he’ll run, so don’t chase.

Let him go to see if he comes back

I know this sounds counterintuitive, but view yourself as the prize.  Letting him go is the fairest thing for, not only him, but for you.  If he comes back post freak out, you know he came back out of free will and because he wanted to.  As scary as this is, trust that you truly deserve someone who really wants to be with you; the ones who don’t or who aren't sure – let them go.  If he’s worth your time, he’ll realise you’re the prize and he’ll come back for you.

Prioritise yourself – don’t plan your life around the guy

Prioritise yourself
Image courtesy of marin / freedigitalphotos.net

Continue living your life as you would if he wasn’t part of your life.  That means no avoiding making plans in case he wants to see you, or making preliminary plans that you know full well that you’ll drop if he creeps back into the picture.  Make a plan and stick with it – don’t let your friends and family become a second priority because they are the people who will stick by you above any man.  Be a little selfish and do what you enjoy doing, with the people you enjoy being around.  Keep yourself distracted with positive things.  Go to the gym, hang out with friends, pamper yourself.  Be brave, do something new and push yourself out of your comfort zone and feel alive.

By not planning your life around a guy, you will regain control of your own life and your own happiness. However, I would advise against throwing yourself into work. That tends to be my strategy, but if that works for you, do it.

There is more than one “The One”

As wonderful as you think he might be, as much as there is a spark, be confident enough to believe there will be someone more amazing out there you’ve yet to meet.

If he is freaking out, it is likely that he’s not in the same place as you are and that he probably doesn’t want what you want, thus he’s not The One at this moment of time.  You can’t force someone to want what you want, nor can you force someone to want you.  Trust yourself and believe there will be someone much more compatible for you.

Regaining control – you will be okay
Image courtesy of marin / freedigitalphotos.net

Perhaps controversially, you could consider dating other guys.  If you’re dating a guy, you don’t have any sort of agreed exclusivity, so you can date whoever you want.  I find this particularly helps me when a guy I’m dating is freaking out.  It reminds me that I have options and, although I can’t control his path, but I can control my own.

These beliefs and actions don’t have to only be executed when you face a MFO phase.  You can empower yourself by reminding yourself of these things whenever your confidence in dating dwindles.

When a guy you really like freaks out on you, it’s tough and it’s disheartening.  You may wonder why you should even bother dating.  But if you give up on dating, the only person who loses out is you.

Undoubtedly, you are a wonderful, caring woman with a lot of love to give.  There is a guy out there worthy of you.  You need to remind yourself of just how amazing you are and trust yourself.

These strategies will hopefully help you gain control – not of his actions, but of your own.  So, accept that dealing with the MFO phase is awful, but have the confidence in yourself to believe you will be okay. Trust me on this one because I completely understand how it feels – you will be okay and you will come out of this stronger.

The Male Freak Out Phase: An Explanation

When you first get talking to a guy or meet him in person for the first time, female intuition will tell you whether he’s a douchebag or not.  It’s not always apparent, but you get an idea.  Unless you have a serious case of bad boy syndrome and subconsciously like being treated badly, you probably won’t be emotionally attracted to the douches.  So what causes perfectly nice, normal guys to behave uncharacteristically like inconsiderate idiots?  What causes guys to freak out?

Since March 2012 I’ve personally encountered guys who have freaked out.  Most disappear without explaining themselves, but two resurfaced post freak out: Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised.

I met Mr Audacious in February 2012 in a pub, and went on a date with him in March 2012.  He is one of the few guys who wasn't originally from Match.com.

The promising start
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From the outset, he was very keen, almost over keen; messaging me a lot to get my attention. Although the situation was initially physically led, by messaging back and forth, an emotional connection started to develop.  By the time we were on our date, it was hard to contain the sparks.  Throughout the evening we discovered we had even more in common than we first thought and he gave me the impression he wanted to see me again.  However, after the amazing first date, he started to exhibit the classic freak out signs.  It lasted about 2 weeks, during which time he did not ask me out again.  I got incredibly frustrated because I didn't know where I stood, until I finally had enough him making me feel like that and closed the chapter on him, accepting I would not get any answers.

However, Mr Audacious resurfaced in June 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise for his behaviour.

Mr Disorganised appeared in September 2012 – one of the 43 Match.com dates.  He was an emotionally led decision, but I did find him attractive.  We built on the emotional connection through our messages online, so by the time we moved onto texting and then finally meeting, I was attracted to him both emotionally and physically.

A great date
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Our first date was one of those amazing dates where sparks flew.  We already knew we had a lot in common prior to us meeting, so meeting was, for a large part, to determine whether there was any chemistry.  At the end of the date, he asked me out again, and we saw each other again soon, ie the next day for lunch, and again that weekend.

And then he exhibited all the classic signs of the freak out.  His behaviour left me in pieces.  Holly, who had come to my flat for tea, had never seen me like that before; I wasn't composed, in control or conducting myself like an established professional female; I was restless and craving his attention. Holly found it somewhat surprising that a guy could affect me like that.  Eventually, I pulled myself together and accepted it was over and it wasn’t going to work, that Mr Disorganised didn’t want what I wanted.

It almost came as a surprise when Mr Disorganised reappeared in October 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise, exactly like Mr Audacious had done.

With both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised reappearing and apologising, I wanted answers to my questions, if anything for the closure I never got before.  From the questions I asked, I learnt a lot about the MFO phase.

Guys freak out because they get scared; they may think they want commitment exclusivity and will go through the motions and feel excited about it, but when they get time to process the whole situation, reality hits them and they find it a frightening prospect.  They know what they should want, and part of them thinks they want it until it gets too real.  Their fear is exacerbated when they are presented with an amazing woman, who they realise has the potential to be a long term prospect.  A guy will only ever freak out when there is a mutual spark (it is possible that they may freak out if there is a one sided spark, but because you’re not feeling the spark, it’s not really an issue for you).  Sometimes it’s easier for them to ignore the fear by removing themselves from the situation, which will mean withdrawing emotionally, creating time for themselves, and ignoring you.  They realise this behaviour is unkind, but their need to grasp onto their sense of non-exclusivity outweighs their sense of behaving appropriately towards you.

The post freak out disappearing act
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Guys can freak out at any time, but for me it’s always been in the bit between dating and a relationship.  If the guy is freak out inclined, it is unlikely that your behaviour will have much impact on the outcome.  On my dates with both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised, it was merely dating; I never once mentioned that I wanted to be in a relationship with them.  I was just being myself, but that was all it took.  However, because they had the seed of potential planted in their heads, they let the notion grow and decided to nip things in the bud without speaking to me first.

My behaviour during freak out, however, did have an impact. I wanted answers which they wouldn't give me; I wanted to know if I would be seeing them again.  This fuelled their freak out fire and they felt pressured and cornered, and so they disappeared.

Most of the time, it’s easier for a guy to ignore you.  It is rare that they will ever get in contact post freak out.  When it does happen, it will most likely be to apologise and to ask for another chance. There is no right or wrong with whether you should give them a second chance.  All that I can advise is understand what has happened, do what will make you happy in the long term, and, most importantly, trust your female intuition.

The Male Freak Out Phase: Behaviour

In 2012 when I first started online dating, something which I wasn't prepared for was the Male Freak Out (MFO).  The MFO is a phase where a guy you’re dating, all of a sudden, with next to no warning, becomes distant, changes his pattern of communication, and avoids you.  There are variations to the MFO phase; if you’re really unlucky, the guy can deliberately try to hurt you.  But in general, the signs are the same, and you are left feeling confused, anxious and sometimes hurt.

Emotional turmoil
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David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

The MFO phase isn't uncommon.  Guys can freak out over the most insignificant things – I once held hands with a guy on the third date whilst walking and he freaked out!

I was very naïve when I first started dating; I didn't realise guys freaked out.  The first few times it happened, I felt completely lost and totally beside myself.  I didn't know what to do or how to cope.  My emotions were all over the place.

Nearly 2 and a half years on, I feel I have a better understanding about the MFO phase.  I can only speak from personal experience, from talking to guys who have freaked out, and from talking to my female friends who have experienced a guy freaking out.  But I feel I have developed a way of dealing with the MFO phase.  When I find myself faced with it, I put in practice what I advise friends, and I find, as difficult as the situation may be, it helps me function.

I will be publishing several blog posts on the MFO phase.  I hope my experience can offer you a better understanding on this matter and advice which you will find helpful.

In this first post, I want to introduce the behaviours associated with the male freak out.

MFO behaviour can be split into three main phases: pre freak out; during freak out; post freak out. Behaviour a guy exhibits can vary, but over the years I've noticed patterns.

Pre freak out

The Male Freak Out
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The guys who make me feel that they’re going to freak out are those who are too into me too soon.  On the first or second date, they tell you they’ll love to take you to this really nice place they know on the next date because they think you’ll really like it.  On occasions they've assumed that there will be another date.  On the second or third date they suggest going away together for a weekend, despite the fact you don’t really know each other!

At the end of each date, he will be eager to make arrangements to see you again – soon.  Like the next day.

When guys behave like this, I feel very uncomfortable, not just because I've seen this sort of behaviour before, but because it’s too much too soon, and I need my space.  There is nothing wrong with going with the flow at his pace if you’re comfortable with it.  But if it’s moving too quickly, it’s advisable to move at your own place.  But be aware that guys can freak out, even if they show no pre freak out behaviour. Likewise, it is possible that they will not freak out even if they exhibit such behaviour.

During freak out

When a guy freaks out, they’ll most likely cancel your next date, that is if they've arranged a next date.  They probably won’t suggest rescheduling it.  They’ll avoid getting in contact with you and you will notice a difference in frequency and quality of the contact you have.  Whereas before, when they have always tried to make time for you, they will repeatedly start being too busy at work to make time for you.
Occasionally, I've been in a situation where they appear to have dropped off the face of the earth and don’t even get in contact to confirm/cancel a date, and do not respond to my messages.

Frequency and quality of contact
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David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

When guys think this sort of behaviour is acceptable, it does upset me a little and does put me off dating. The last guy Megan dated freaked out (classic MFO phase), and she’s now taking a break from dating because she’s fed up with the guy.  To an extent, I agree because such behaviour does cause a lot of unnecessarily emotional turmoil and drama.

Post freak out

A guy can end the MFO phase by coming back to you, with or without an explanation, or simply disappearing with no further word.

Where the guys have come back to me, they initially scoped to see how I react to them.  Only when I've responded and if I've not told them to do one, will they apologise and explained that they got scared of the situation they found themselves in, and so ‘ran away’ from it.  Such guys don’t get in contact unless they want a second chance.

The danger with giving a guy another chance is that they can put you through emotional turmoil again if they freak out once again.  If this is a risk you think is worth taking, then you need to take it.  Otherwise, don’t. Unfortunately, each time I took a risk, it’s only resulted in them freaking out again.

In the instance where they just disappear… they just disappear and don’t offer you any closure.  I think a principle of modern day dating is that you can’t always expect closure.

Hurt
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I've based this post on my experience of the type of behaviour you can expect to see from a guy going through a freak out, and I hope it has helped you in realising you’re not alone if you have or are experiencing the same sort of behaviour from a guy.  As difficult as it is to accept, a guy who acts like a douchebag during a freak out isn't necessarily a bad guy; he’s just behaving like one.  However, this doesn't stop his behaviour really hurting your feelings.

In my next posts on the MFO phase, I will explain why some guys freak out, and how I cope when a guy I'm dating freaks out.

Approaches to Dating

The single teacher in search of the one

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It’s well acknowledged amongst my friends and family that I have a good grasp on how dating works – after 43 first dates, you can’t help but understand it – you have no choice on the matter!

Being on Match.com you will not be short of attention.  Admittedly, the attention you get isn’t always wanted.  I believe this is true for both men and women.  So, if there’s so much choice, how do you go about deciding who to date?  And who should you avoid?

This post is about my friend Alastair, an English teacher, in search of his the one.

Alastair is extremely well read (he banged on about The Odyssey and The Iliad in our first year of university for an entire term).  He has a masterful grasp of English (commenting greatly on my use of split infinitives when he proofread my final year dissertation).  Deep down Alastair is a little shy and self-doubting, but he is sensitive and caring.  However, when left to his own devices, he makes terrible choices when it comes to women.

In August 2012 I learnt that Alastair had joined Match.com but was only having limited success.  While at university he had a habit of going for the ‘smutty ones’ and it seemed like he hadn’t grown out of it.  As a result, he was choosing to contact women who society deems to be beautiful, placing little consideration on their moral character, interests, or intelligence.  Of the dates he did go on (not that many), it seemed that the women only knew Homer as a Simpsons character.  He just couldn’t connect on an emotional level with any of these women.

Online dating - which approach?

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Reluctantly, Alastair agreed to accept my help, on the basis that he would adhere to all my instructions, irrespective of whether he agreed to them or not.

I am of the belief that there are two main approaches to dating: statistical and precision.  It is no secret that dating is a stats game.  Therefore taking a statistical approach isn’t entirely illogical, because let’s face it, ‘you never know’ when you ‘give someone a chance’.  However, Alastair’s statistical approach wasn’t working for him; his statistical approach was physical connections led.  By physical connections, I mean Alastair was basing his statistical approach on the women’s appearance and proximity.

I advised (read instructed) Alastair to change his approach in who to contact and who to ask out on a first date.

Firstly, I wanted Alastair to lead his search through emotional connections: morality, interests, beliefs, and so on. Only once it is established that a woman meets the minimum emotional criteria, should he consider whether she meets his minimum physical criteria.

Physical and emotional connections

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Secondly, I wanted him to take a precision approach.  He was only allowed to date women who he felt he had enough of an emotional connection with who he was physically attracted to.  He was not allowed to date any woman who fell sort of either minimum criteria, in particular, the minimum emotional criteria, even if she made up for it by exceeding the physical connections.

In addition to giving him instructions of how to choose who to date and who to ask out, I rewrote his Match.com profile to show who he was really was as a person and gave him instructions of how to conduct a good first date, to make the most of meeting someone for the first time, and how to make a good impression.

It is possible for Alastair to have taken an emotional led statistical approach, or a physical led precision approach, but knowing Alastair and knowing he was looking for a proper relationship, I felt the emotional led precision approach would suit him best.

Alastair adhered to my instructions and kept the changes I made to his profile.  In December 2012 he had a first date with Amy, a science teacher.  Amy was first introduced to me in February 2013 and I thought she was the perfect match for Alastair: brilliant, beautiful, intelligent, and every bit of the Established Professional Female.

Moving in together

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I am pleased to say that they are still together.  They have just sold their respective properties and have bought a house together.  They are due to move into their new home next week.

They are an amazing couple and I’m incredibly happy for their found happiness; they are a couple that give me faith that love through online dating is possible.

So what approach do I take?

Time isn’t something which is abundant to me and very recently I seem to be working late most nights.  I am a sucker for a good looking man, but placing physical connections ahead of emotional ones just doesn’t cut it when the initial novelty of dating a really good looking guy has passed.

I have tried the physical led precision approach and the emotional led statistical approach.  What works best for me, and allows me to have the most enjoyable dates, is the emotional led precision approach.

Now, the question is which approach works best for you?  Different approaches suit different people and, depending on what you want, can cater for what you are looking for.  If the approach you are using isn’t getting you the results you want, consider trying out another one.  Be adventurous, open minded, and enjoy dating.