Zara the Confused

The Established Professional Female with a plan
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I am not alone in being an openly career orientated woman.  Navigating through work is simpler than navigating through the minefield of the bit between dating and a relationship.

Being an ambitious, single woman with a career doesn’t prepare you for dealing with your personal life – you cannot treat your personal life like a business contract. In particular with me, I don’t always know what I’m doing; things aren’t always as mapped out for us as they first appear, and we’re not always as cool and collected as we like to appear.

Naive
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As I write this, I am currently on a flight back from Edinburgh. Edinburgh was a much needed escape from reality and the rat race, but more importantly, the dating game.

Whilst writing my two month update, I decided that due to work commitments and how I felt at present, now probably wasn’t the best time to be actively looking for a relationship. However, I would continue dating and after encouragement from Megan, I joined Tinder on the August Bank Holiday weekend. Megan thought I was missing out on a large part of modern dating by not immersing myself in the Tinder experience. So I joined with a view to just experience it. I expected nothing from it, especially after hearing Megan’s Tinder disaster stories.

Perhaps I was a little naive or a little misinformed. After a lot of treadmill messaging with numerous guys, one guy piqued my attention more than others – Mr Kilt. I felt myself strangely drawn to him.

Unexpected
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On the Monday I had my first Tinder date with Mr Kilt. I knew we had a lot in common, such as being in the same line of work, so if all else failed, we had a fall-back conversation topic.

Expecting so little from Tinder, I was pleasantly surprised with him and the date. In numerous ways, Mr Kilt both is and isn’t my type. He is a tall guy with a professional career in finance. But he is a man of few words and seldom smiles – very much the silent brooding type – but very deadpan-sarcastic with anything he does say, so a little difficult to read at times.

The Female Freak Out
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After the first date he asked me out again. On Thursday we had an impromptu date when I left work late, going for a few drinks. Again, I had a lovely time. But the next date on Saturday was probably one of the best dates I’ve been on. We also met up for dinner the following Tuesday and we scheduled to see each other once again on Sunday, before I was due to fly out to Edinburgh.

So, what’s the problem?

Simple answer: me.

I had a complete freak out and cancelled Sunday’s date.

I have written a short series on Male Freak Outs (MFOs) which highlights various elements of it. Well, women can freak out too.  And I certainly did.

Running away
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Why did I freak out?

This might seem stupid, but it was because it was going too well.  I liked him way more than I was comfortable with, and he’s too much of a knight in shining armour for what I’ve become accustomed to.  I’ve never come across a guy who offers to walk me home just to spend a little more time with me and to make sure I get home – no ulterior motive.

Being fiercely independent, career orientated, and single for the past 3 years, I’m not used to feeling like I do now.  In a strange way, I feel my career and independence being threatened.  I’m not used to craving his attention or looking forward to seeing him as much as I do.  Nor am I used to feeling guilty for going on dates with other guys.  However, we  have not discussed exclusivity.  Whilst on a date with Mr Woo all I could think about was how much I wished I was actually with Mr Kilt.  While I'm talking to other guys on Tinder, the only guy really I want to hear from is Mr Kilt.


Contemplating the solution
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Feeling things you’re not used to is scary and confusing.  And I admit it, I got scared and I didn’t know how to deal with it.  More than anything, the way I feel and the lack of control I have makes me feel insecure.  I hate feeling insecure and unsure of myself and any situation I find myself in.

What’s the solution?

To start, I ran away to Scotland and put 521km (according toTinder) between us.  My holiday was conveniently well timed.  Whilst there, although I did talk to other guys on Tinder, I didn't go on any dates.  I guess this allowed me to think about what was really important in my life and what I ultimately want.

Mr Kilt knows I freaked out – I told him.  He has been incredibly patient and he has let me sort out my head in my own time.  When I said he wasn’t my usual type, I think it’s evident by the fact he’s so laid back and spontaneous.  But maybe that’s what I need...