Why singledom shouldn’t make us a one-woman sitcom

Megan changed jobs recently.  When I messaged her to ask how it was all going, she said of her entire workplace, she is the only single woman there.  Already, her new colleagues are prying into her personal life, asking her stupid questions, and offering advice which actually just comes across as annoying clichés we've heard a thousand times before.  She has already been asked by one woman which of the men they work with does she fancy.  Because obviously, if you’re not in a relationship, you have no standards and you’ll fancy anything in close proximity that moves. Holly is in a similar situation – colleagues who know that she is single are often making comments about men in the office who they think may be eligible, and have even tried to set her up with their friends as if being single is some kind of crime.


Scrutinised just for being single
Image courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici 
/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It can be difficult when you find yourself being the only single woman in a particular environment where the people around you aren't close friends.  When people discover this your private life, your views and your flaws come under scrutiny.  People ask questions about your private life like they have a right to know, when in fact it’s none of their business and quite frankly, irrelevant in any situation.

Whereas it appears fine for a man to be single, the acceptance for a woman of a certain age to be single isn't quite the same.  It’s like such knowledge causes some sort of hardwire malfunction in people’s brains, which causes them to say and ask stupid things.  I think the stupidest question Megan was asked when she said she was single and wasn't dating at the time, was whether she was a lesbian. Seriously, what the hell..?!

People will say that they’re only asking because they want to get to know you better as a person; that they are just interested in how the whole dating thing works.  However, I would never dream of asking someone in a long term relationship, who isn't a close friend, whether they still have regular sex.  So why would it be okay for such a person to ask me whether I'm having sex with a guy I'm currently dating?  Why is such a question ever relevant?

The one-woman office sitcom
Image courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici
 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To all intents and purposes, you become a one woman sitcom, regardless of whether you want to talk about it or not; regardless of whether you want your private life to be a talking point for people to laugh at. Your life becomes a mockery because everyone thinks dating is so much fun! So by that logic, it’s okay to make fun of the single woman, because they’re laughing with you. But are they really laughing with you when they don’t actually want to talk about it? Or are they just being laughed at and trying not to show that it hurts? The truth behind dating is that it isn't always fun, and sometimes, you just don’t want to talk about it.


My blog, my passion
Image courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici 
/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

From the moment it got leaked at my old workplace that I was dating, I became that one woman sitcom at the office. I was selective about who I told, but as with any sort of personal knowledge at work, it rarely stays secret; everyone likes to know things they shouldn't. In my new workplace, I've kept my dating under much tighter wraps, but I am open about being contentedly single. Fortunately for me, my new colleagues are less inclined to pry and they certainly don’t judge me for being single.

Last week, I noticed that the number of views this blog was receiving had shot up. Initially I was thrilled, but later discovered that an ex-colleague had found the blog and, as with any other sort of knowledge which isn't widely known, had been emailing the link around the office. While that in itself is fine, it was the response I got which really pissed me off.


Stop attacking my work!
Image courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici 
/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I had planned to meet up with those ex-colleagues for drinks, but arrived late and they were already drunk. I was met immediately with a barrage of questions, and as ever, was challenged about my views on dating and relationships, with conversation getting quite confrontational about my style of writing, emotional connection with my readers and subject matter.  As stupid and inappropriate questions go, I got asked a lot that night, under the cover of I just want to understand more about dating.

But this is what I mean by people thinking you are a one woman sitcom. They asked why I didn't write about my sex life, or write more about the individual guys I dated and what I thought of them. Quite simply, because it’s my private life and The ZFP isn't a dating diary.

Dating advice blogs and dating diary blogs are different – it’s not rocket science. I've deliberately chosen a journalistic style when explaining concepts. I doubt someone on the internet looking for advice about a specific situation is going to read through what I thought of one particular guy on a particular date. And I'm not going to have an emotional connection with my readers if the readers in question are so far removed from my target audience and are only even reading to be nosy and attack something I'm passionate about!

So how’s that for showing emotion on my blog?
Single women have every right to privacy and not to be judged based on someone else’s expectations. Sometimes, we don’t want to talk about our dates or the guys we've dated, and we don’t want to be attacked for trying to help people in the same situation. So deal with it.

The ZFP Update: No.1 – Two Months In

Keeping Calm

It's now been 2 months since I started writing for the ZFP.  The initial plan for this blog was to draw from my own dating experiences and those of my friends and to provide advice.  I wanted to show that single women in their 30’s can be secure and independent, and not necessarily in want of an instant husband and child.

When making plans for the ZFP, I had a list of topics and a general order of all the things I wanted to write about.  Have I stuck to it?

Not quite.  More often than not my blog posts are governed by what I'm experiencing at the time, what my friends are encountering and what I feel is really important to consider when it comes to dating.

The Tour de France in London

Life happens even when you've made plans, but that’s okay.  We’re adaptable and we can work around the plan and modify it accordingly.

The past 2 months have been unpredictable.  I've stopped dating Mr Cool, stood in the rain to glimpse the cyclists in the Tour de France blitz by, escaped to York for a weekend, got married to my job (I've been working some crazy hours), allowed my inner cougar to resurface very briefly to charm a very cute Australian barman making my drink, and turned down a date with a guy I met on a train platform when he went a bit strange before the first date.

York Minster

I have also reached 45 first dates (42 Match.com dates).  Mr Watch turned out to be a bit too different for me (and there have been more developments since that post!).  Mr Whom didn't respond to my last text message.

But that is the nature of dating if you’re looking for the one; it’s a stats game – statistically, any guy you date has a one in… however many chance of being the one.

Being a Cougar

Am I disheartened by this?  Not in the slightest.  But I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are times when I find dating incredibly frustrating.

A few weeks ago I met Alastair and Amy for dinner.  Amy asked me why, if I had such a talent of helping my friends with dating, can’t I convert any of my dates into relationships.  Fair question.

My knowledge centres around dating, not relationships.  I can advise both men and women how to date and where to date, but the actual conversion of the dates into relationships – my friends did that themselves and I can’t take any credit for that.

At Piccadilly Circus

So where am I emotionally and physically with dating, relationships and career?

With my recent job change and commitment to my career, I don’t feel I can fully commit to the idea of a relationship right now; I'm neither emotionally or physically in the right place for it as my priorities lie elsewhere.  Dating has also been difficult because I've been working late most evenings.  However, I don’t feel there is any reason for me to rule out dating.

If the one appears?  I’ll adapt the situation accordingly.  As much as I am enjoying my work and life as it is right now, I won’t pass up a chance with the one.

Online Dating Fail: Unreasonable Expectations

Being somewhat married to my job for the past 4 weeks has hindered not only my social life, but my dating prowess.  So I was pleased when I managed to secure my 44th first date (41st courtesy of Match.com) after a week of corresponding with Mr Watch.

Online dating whilst being married to the job
Image courtesy of marcolm / freedigitalphotos.net

Mr Watch wasn't my usual type, however friends had been telling me to consider guys who I wouldn't usually.  Given Mr Watch and I had things in common and had been corresponding for over a week, I thought it a good idea to be open minded.

The date itself went well, although he seemed a little distracted by his phones at times.  Within the first hour of us meeting, he took a business call.  He also talked about work and his money far more than I was comfortable with.

Despite having a pleasant time, I left the date a little unsure.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was just nervous and that there was a language barrier (he wasn't a native English speaker).  I did like him, so I wanted to see him again to establish whether there was something worth pursuing.

The next day, I woke up feeling exhausted, with my contact lenses still in (again).  I had also left my Match.com account logged in on my laptop overnight.  I saw I had a message on my phone from Mr Watch: he was seeing family.  Knowing he was busy, I sent a brief response and thought nothing more of it – I didn't want to disturb him.  I spent the rest of my day napping, doing laundry, catching up on admin, and writing last week’s blog post, The Male Freak Out Phase: Coping Mantra. 

That evening when I checked my Match.com account, I saw that Mr Watch had sent me a message asking me how I was enjoying Match.com.  I found it strange, since we had started to message by phone.  I replied by phone asking what he meant, despite sensing he was annoyed at me.  His response: he found me disappointing (!) because I was constantly online.  He said it wasn't like I had a busy day (!) so didn't know why I was so quiet and didn't message him more throughout the day.  Moreover, he found it surprising that I was still on Match.com, i.e. I still had an active profile and was logged in, when we had a good date the night before and we had agreed to a second date.

Seriously, after ONE DATE?!

I appreciate that he could feel a little upset by seeing my profile still active.  But there is a reasonable way of going about expressing yourself… he was not doing that…

… I had to take a few deep breaths…

It had been one date.  ONE DATE!

It had been a pleasant date, and I had agreed to see him again, but we were dating – not in a relationship!  His expectations of me were, I felt, unreasonable after just one date. 

Furthermore, we hadn't discussed coming off Match.com (not that I would have agreed anyway when I wasn't 100% sure about him AND it had only been ONE DATE).  Although he did not make demands for me to do what he expected, rather to just realise and know what to do, I felt the situation and his behaviour was made even more unreasonable.

I explained to him that for the time being, while we weren't in a relationship, if he wanted to date other women, that was fine.  This was the nature of online dating, and we didn't have agreed exclusivity.  I made myself clear that he can’t expect me to come off Match.com when we hadn't even discussed it!

I find it off putting when a guy complains that I do not message enough and can’t appreciate that I need downtime on my own.  More off putting is a guy who expects me to know what he thinks.

I have pretty good female intuition, but I've yet to develop my psychic powers.  As soon as I do, sod dating – I'm becoming a superhero!

What surprised me the most was his petulant attitude and response.  There was no mature discussion, just a strop and lashing out.  I don’t expect nor can I tolerate that from a grown man. 

After his strop, he told me he couldn't talk to me because he was busy.  This was feeling like a personal attack, despite it being my actions which he was disappointed in.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't end there!

Seriously, what the hell, Mr Watch?
Image courtesy of marcolm / freedigitalphotos.net

At midnight he messaged me again on Match.com while I was turning my laptop off and getting ready for bed.  This time he insinuated that my approach to dating was just to use men and to get laid, and that I wasn't really looking for a relationship!

I had work the next morning and needed to sleep.  I didn't have time to deal with this.

Shortly afterwards I saw I had a missed call from him too.  I knew at this point I needed to nip it in the bud.  I responded by message, saying that I thought we were too different as people to continue dating.  He responded that it was a shame; he liked me and he was planning on taking me to an amazing restaurant which I would have loved.  But we had discussed this enough already.  I agreed that it was a shame because I did like him, but as with dating, sometimes it just didn't work.

AND THEN… he called me again… to discuss everything we had already discussed in our messages!

He questioned what I was looking for; forcing his opinion on me that I was going about things the wrong way and I would never find anyone decent.  He kept repeating everything.  Despite me saying I wasn't psychic and didn't know what he wanted, he stated it was common sense and I should have known!

When he insinuated again that I was wrong and just used men, I lost all patience with him.  I said my piece, told him I had no more time for him if he had nothing new to say, then ended the call.

It did occur to me that maybe I was being a bitch, but when I spoke to friends, both male and female, they were surprised that I was as patient as I was with him.  They think his response was over the top and inappropriately possessive.  They thought I would have cut ties with him the moment he got arsey and possessive, knowing that I don’t tolerate unreasonable behaviour.  I feel I often give the impression of being unforgiving and harsh, but do actually give people the benefit of the doubt and I certainly try to be as open minded as possible.

Too tired to deal with his drama
Image courtesy of marcolm / freedigitalphotos.net

There are constructive and non-confrontational ways of expressing yourself if you’re unhappy about someone’s behaviour; his wasn't the right way.  His behaviour didn't make me feel like I wanted to be with him.  I don’t feel it’s justifiable to throw a strop at someone after one date for still having an active online dating profile, especially without discussing taking the profiles down.  And it wasn't like he had taken his profile down either!  It was a little creepy that he was stalking my online presence and then commented on it.

So, the message from this is: guys – don’t go weird on a woman after one date.  This applies to women too.  It’s just not helpful and you can pretty much kiss goodbye to your chance of a second date.

The Male Freak Out Phase: Coping Mantra

In my previous blog posts I wrote about the signs of the male freak out (MFO) phase in addition to why guys freak out.  As useful as it is spotting the signs of a MFO and understanding why guys freak out, what’s more important when you are in the midst of experiencing a guy freak out, is how to cope.

Frustrated, restless, confused
Image courtesy of
marin / freedigitalphotos.net

In the last post, The Male Freak Out Phase: An Explanation, I described how Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised made me feel when they freaked out: frustrated, restless, confused.  They both freaked out again after resurfacing – when it happened, I was better prepared.

Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised weren’t the only guys who freaked out on me.  When I suspected Mr Ten, Mr Red, Mr Always-Right and Mr Boa were freaking out, I was able to handle each situation relatively well, each time always a little better than the last.  I’ve learnt a little more each time.  Now, whenever a guy I’m dating freaks out, I adopt a set of well-practiced mantras, which I’m now going to share with you.

You deserve better than his behaviour!

You do not deserve to be ignored or made to feel confused.  Yes, he might be a really nice guy and may only be behaving like a douche because he himself is confused, but there are other ways to behave and he knows his behaviour is unkind.  Don’t be the woman who tolerates it.

You deserve respect

To be treated with respect, you must demand respect by respecting yourself and by behaving like you expect it from others.  You need to stand up for yourself.  If you aren’t getting the respect you deserve from him, ask yourself whether you can truly be with someone who doesn’t respect you.  Always be true to yourself and choose dignity over any guy.

Don't chase after him
Image courtesy of marin / freedigitalphotos.net

Don’t be the girl that chases after the guy 

Your actions pre freak out have relatively little impact.  During freak out, guys emotionally withdraw because they need space, so give him space.  There is no need to remind him that you like him – unless he’s stupid or you've not let on before that you like him – he knows it.  So let him ride out the MFO phase – on his own – you can’t help and it’s not your responsibility.

It’s tempting to send a quick message saying, “hope you’re okay”, or “I miss you” – but don’t. Messages like that won’t help if he needs space.  The more you chase, the further he’ll run, so don’t chase.

Let him go to see if he comes back

I know this sounds counterintuitive, but view yourself as the prize.  Letting him go is the fairest thing for, not only him, but for you.  If he comes back post freak out, you know he came back out of free will and because he wanted to.  As scary as this is, trust that you truly deserve someone who really wants to be with you; the ones who don’t or who aren't sure – let them go.  If he’s worth your time, he’ll realise you’re the prize and he’ll come back for you.

Prioritise yourself – don’t plan your life around the guy

Prioritise yourself
Image courtesy of marin / freedigitalphotos.net

Continue living your life as you would if he wasn’t part of your life.  That means no avoiding making plans in case he wants to see you, or making preliminary plans that you know full well that you’ll drop if he creeps back into the picture.  Make a plan and stick with it – don’t let your friends and family become a second priority because they are the people who will stick by you above any man.  Be a little selfish and do what you enjoy doing, with the people you enjoy being around.  Keep yourself distracted with positive things.  Go to the gym, hang out with friends, pamper yourself.  Be brave, do something new and push yourself out of your comfort zone and feel alive.

By not planning your life around a guy, you will regain control of your own life and your own happiness. However, I would advise against throwing yourself into work. That tends to be my strategy, but if that works for you, do it.

There is more than one “The One”

As wonderful as you think he might be, as much as there is a spark, be confident enough to believe there will be someone more amazing out there you’ve yet to meet.

If he is freaking out, it is likely that he’s not in the same place as you are and that he probably doesn’t want what you want, thus he’s not The One at this moment of time.  You can’t force someone to want what you want, nor can you force someone to want you.  Trust yourself and believe there will be someone much more compatible for you.

Regaining control – you will be okay
Image courtesy of marin / freedigitalphotos.net

Perhaps controversially, you could consider dating other guys.  If you’re dating a guy, you don’t have any sort of agreed exclusivity, so you can date whoever you want.  I find this particularly helps me when a guy I’m dating is freaking out.  It reminds me that I have options and, although I can’t control his path, but I can control my own.

These beliefs and actions don’t have to only be executed when you face a MFO phase.  You can empower yourself by reminding yourself of these things whenever your confidence in dating dwindles.

When a guy you really like freaks out on you, it’s tough and it’s disheartening.  You may wonder why you should even bother dating.  But if you give up on dating, the only person who loses out is you.

Undoubtedly, you are a wonderful, caring woman with a lot of love to give.  There is a guy out there worthy of you.  You need to remind yourself of just how amazing you are and trust yourself.

These strategies will hopefully help you gain control – not of his actions, but of your own.  So, accept that dealing with the MFO phase is awful, but have the confidence in yourself to believe you will be okay. Trust me on this one because I completely understand how it feels – you will be okay and you will come out of this stronger.