The Male Freak Out Phase: An Explanation

When you first get talking to a guy or meet him in person for the first time, female intuition will tell you whether he’s a douchebag or not.  It’s not always apparent, but you get an idea.  Unless you have a serious case of bad boy syndrome and subconsciously like being treated badly, you probably won’t be emotionally attracted to the douches.  So what causes perfectly nice, normal guys to behave uncharacteristically like inconsiderate idiots?  What causes guys to freak out?

Since March 2012 I’ve personally encountered guys who have freaked out.  Most disappear without explaining themselves, but two resurfaced post freak out: Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised.

I met Mr Audacious in February 2012 in a pub, and went on a date with him in March 2012.  He is one of the few guys who wasn't originally from Match.com.

The promising start
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From the outset, he was very keen, almost over keen; messaging me a lot to get my attention. Although the situation was initially physically led, by messaging back and forth, an emotional connection started to develop.  By the time we were on our date, it was hard to contain the sparks.  Throughout the evening we discovered we had even more in common than we first thought and he gave me the impression he wanted to see me again.  However, after the amazing first date, he started to exhibit the classic freak out signs.  It lasted about 2 weeks, during which time he did not ask me out again.  I got incredibly frustrated because I didn't know where I stood, until I finally had enough him making me feel like that and closed the chapter on him, accepting I would not get any answers.

However, Mr Audacious resurfaced in June 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise for his behaviour.

Mr Disorganised appeared in September 2012 – one of the 43 Match.com dates.  He was an emotionally led decision, but I did find him attractive.  We built on the emotional connection through our messages online, so by the time we moved onto texting and then finally meeting, I was attracted to him both emotionally and physically.

A great date
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Our first date was one of those amazing dates where sparks flew.  We already knew we had a lot in common prior to us meeting, so meeting was, for a large part, to determine whether there was any chemistry.  At the end of the date, he asked me out again, and we saw each other again soon, ie the next day for lunch, and again that weekend.

And then he exhibited all the classic signs of the freak out.  His behaviour left me in pieces.  Holly, who had come to my flat for tea, had never seen me like that before; I wasn't composed, in control or conducting myself like an established professional female; I was restless and craving his attention. Holly found it somewhat surprising that a guy could affect me like that.  Eventually, I pulled myself together and accepted it was over and it wasn’t going to work, that Mr Disorganised didn’t want what I wanted.

It almost came as a surprise when Mr Disorganised reappeared in October 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise, exactly like Mr Audacious had done.

With both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised reappearing and apologising, I wanted answers to my questions, if anything for the closure I never got before.  From the questions I asked, I learnt a lot about the MFO phase.

Guys freak out because they get scared; they may think they want commitment exclusivity and will go through the motions and feel excited about it, but when they get time to process the whole situation, reality hits them and they find it a frightening prospect.  They know what they should want, and part of them thinks they want it until it gets too real.  Their fear is exacerbated when they are presented with an amazing woman, who they realise has the potential to be a long term prospect.  A guy will only ever freak out when there is a mutual spark (it is possible that they may freak out if there is a one sided spark, but because you’re not feeling the spark, it’s not really an issue for you).  Sometimes it’s easier for them to ignore the fear by removing themselves from the situation, which will mean withdrawing emotionally, creating time for themselves, and ignoring you.  They realise this behaviour is unkind, but their need to grasp onto their sense of non-exclusivity outweighs their sense of behaving appropriately towards you.

The post freak out disappearing act
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Guys can freak out at any time, but for me it’s always been in the bit between dating and a relationship.  If the guy is freak out inclined, it is unlikely that your behaviour will have much impact on the outcome.  On my dates with both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised, it was merely dating; I never once mentioned that I wanted to be in a relationship with them.  I was just being myself, but that was all it took.  However, because they had the seed of potential planted in their heads, they let the notion grow and decided to nip things in the bud without speaking to me first.

My behaviour during freak out, however, did have an impact. I wanted answers which they wouldn't give me; I wanted to know if I would be seeing them again.  This fuelled their freak out fire and they felt pressured and cornered, and so they disappeared.

Most of the time, it’s easier for a guy to ignore you.  It is rare that they will ever get in contact post freak out.  When it does happen, it will most likely be to apologise and to ask for another chance. There is no right or wrong with whether you should give them a second chance.  All that I can advise is understand what has happened, do what will make you happy in the long term, and, most importantly, trust your female intuition.

The Male Freak Out Phase: Behaviour

In 2012 when I first started online dating, something which I wasn't prepared for was the Male Freak Out (MFO).  The MFO is a phase where a guy you’re dating, all of a sudden, with next to no warning, becomes distant, changes his pattern of communication, and avoids you.  There are variations to the MFO phase; if you’re really unlucky, the guy can deliberately try to hurt you.  But in general, the signs are the same, and you are left feeling confused, anxious and sometimes hurt.

Emotional turmoil
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David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

The MFO phase isn't uncommon.  Guys can freak out over the most insignificant things – I once held hands with a guy on the third date whilst walking and he freaked out!

I was very naïve when I first started dating; I didn't realise guys freaked out.  The first few times it happened, I felt completely lost and totally beside myself.  I didn't know what to do or how to cope.  My emotions were all over the place.

Nearly 2 and a half years on, I feel I have a better understanding about the MFO phase.  I can only speak from personal experience, from talking to guys who have freaked out, and from talking to my female friends who have experienced a guy freaking out.  But I feel I have developed a way of dealing with the MFO phase.  When I find myself faced with it, I put in practice what I advise friends, and I find, as difficult as the situation may be, it helps me function.

I will be publishing several blog posts on the MFO phase.  I hope my experience can offer you a better understanding on this matter and advice which you will find helpful.

In this first post, I want to introduce the behaviours associated with the male freak out.

MFO behaviour can be split into three main phases: pre freak out; during freak out; post freak out. Behaviour a guy exhibits can vary, but over the years I've noticed patterns.

Pre freak out

The Male Freak Out
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The guys who make me feel that they’re going to freak out are those who are too into me too soon.  On the first or second date, they tell you they’ll love to take you to this really nice place they know on the next date because they think you’ll really like it.  On occasions they've assumed that there will be another date.  On the second or third date they suggest going away together for a weekend, despite the fact you don’t really know each other!

At the end of each date, he will be eager to make arrangements to see you again – soon.  Like the next day.

When guys behave like this, I feel very uncomfortable, not just because I've seen this sort of behaviour before, but because it’s too much too soon, and I need my space.  There is nothing wrong with going with the flow at his pace if you’re comfortable with it.  But if it’s moving too quickly, it’s advisable to move at your own place.  But be aware that guys can freak out, even if they show no pre freak out behaviour. Likewise, it is possible that they will not freak out even if they exhibit such behaviour.

During freak out

When a guy freaks out, they’ll most likely cancel your next date, that is if they've arranged a next date.  They probably won’t suggest rescheduling it.  They’ll avoid getting in contact with you and you will notice a difference in frequency and quality of the contact you have.  Whereas before, when they have always tried to make time for you, they will repeatedly start being too busy at work to make time for you.
Occasionally, I've been in a situation where they appear to have dropped off the face of the earth and don’t even get in contact to confirm/cancel a date, and do not respond to my messages.

Frequency and quality of contact
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David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

When guys think this sort of behaviour is acceptable, it does upset me a little and does put me off dating. The last guy Megan dated freaked out (classic MFO phase), and she’s now taking a break from dating because she’s fed up with the guy.  To an extent, I agree because such behaviour does cause a lot of unnecessarily emotional turmoil and drama.

Post freak out

A guy can end the MFO phase by coming back to you, with or without an explanation, or simply disappearing with no further word.

Where the guys have come back to me, they initially scoped to see how I react to them.  Only when I've responded and if I've not told them to do one, will they apologise and explained that they got scared of the situation they found themselves in, and so ‘ran away’ from it.  Such guys don’t get in contact unless they want a second chance.

The danger with giving a guy another chance is that they can put you through emotional turmoil again if they freak out once again.  If this is a risk you think is worth taking, then you need to take it.  Otherwise, don’t. Unfortunately, each time I took a risk, it’s only resulted in them freaking out again.

In the instance where they just disappear… they just disappear and don’t offer you any closure.  I think a principle of modern day dating is that you can’t always expect closure.

Hurt
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I've based this post on my experience of the type of behaviour you can expect to see from a guy going through a freak out, and I hope it has helped you in realising you’re not alone if you have or are experiencing the same sort of behaviour from a guy.  As difficult as it is to accept, a guy who acts like a douchebag during a freak out isn't necessarily a bad guy; he’s just behaving like one.  However, this doesn't stop his behaviour really hurting your feelings.

In my next posts on the MFO phase, I will explain why some guys freak out, and how I cope when a guy I'm dating freaks out.

Approaches to Dating

The single teacher in search of the one

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It’s well acknowledged amongst my friends and family that I have a good grasp on how dating works – after 43 first dates, you can’t help but understand it – you have no choice on the matter!

Being on Match.com you will not be short of attention.  Admittedly, the attention you get isn’t always wanted.  I believe this is true for both men and women.  So, if there’s so much choice, how do you go about deciding who to date?  And who should you avoid?

This post is about my friend Alastair, an English teacher, in search of his the one.

Alastair is extremely well read (he banged on about The Odyssey and The Iliad in our first year of university for an entire term).  He has a masterful grasp of English (commenting greatly on my use of split infinitives when he proofread my final year dissertation).  Deep down Alastair is a little shy and self-doubting, but he is sensitive and caring.  However, when left to his own devices, he makes terrible choices when it comes to women.

In August 2012 I learnt that Alastair had joined Match.com but was only having limited success.  While at university he had a habit of going for the ‘smutty ones’ and it seemed like he hadn’t grown out of it.  As a result, he was choosing to contact women who society deems to be beautiful, placing little consideration on their moral character, interests, or intelligence.  Of the dates he did go on (not that many), it seemed that the women only knew Homer as a Simpsons character.  He just couldn’t connect on an emotional level with any of these women.

Online dating - which approach?

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Reluctantly, Alastair agreed to accept my help, on the basis that he would adhere to all my instructions, irrespective of whether he agreed to them or not.

I am of the belief that there are two main approaches to dating: statistical and precision.  It is no secret that dating is a stats game.  Therefore taking a statistical approach isn’t entirely illogical, because let’s face it, ‘you never know’ when you ‘give someone a chance’.  However, Alastair’s statistical approach wasn’t working for him; his statistical approach was physical connections led.  By physical connections, I mean Alastair was basing his statistical approach on the women’s appearance and proximity.

I advised (read instructed) Alastair to change his approach in who to contact and who to ask out on a first date.

Firstly, I wanted Alastair to lead his search through emotional connections: morality, interests, beliefs, and so on. Only once it is established that a woman meets the minimum emotional criteria, should he consider whether she meets his minimum physical criteria.

Physical and emotional connections

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Secondly, I wanted him to take a precision approach.  He was only allowed to date women who he felt he had enough of an emotional connection with who he was physically attracted to.  He was not allowed to date any woman who fell sort of either minimum criteria, in particular, the minimum emotional criteria, even if she made up for it by exceeding the physical connections.

In addition to giving him instructions of how to choose who to date and who to ask out, I rewrote his Match.com profile to show who he was really was as a person and gave him instructions of how to conduct a good first date, to make the most of meeting someone for the first time, and how to make a good impression.

It is possible for Alastair to have taken an emotional led statistical approach, or a physical led precision approach, but knowing Alastair and knowing he was looking for a proper relationship, I felt the emotional led precision approach would suit him best.

Alastair adhered to my instructions and kept the changes I made to his profile.  In December 2012 he had a first date with Amy, a science teacher.  Amy was first introduced to me in February 2013 and I thought she was the perfect match for Alastair: brilliant, beautiful, intelligent, and every bit of the Established Professional Female.

Moving in together

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I am pleased to say that they are still together.  They have just sold their respective properties and have bought a house together.  They are due to move into their new home next week.

They are an amazing couple and I’m incredibly happy for their found happiness; they are a couple that give me faith that love through online dating is possible.

So what approach do I take?

Time isn’t something which is abundant to me and very recently I seem to be working late most nights.  I am a sucker for a good looking man, but placing physical connections ahead of emotional ones just doesn’t cut it when the initial novelty of dating a really good looking guy has passed.

I have tried the physical led precision approach and the emotional led statistical approach.  What works best for me, and allows me to have the most enjoyable dates, is the emotional led precision approach.

Now, the question is which approach works best for you?  Different approaches suit different people and, depending on what you want, can cater for what you are looking for.  If the approach you are using isn’t getting you the results you want, consider trying out another one.  Be adventurous, open minded, and enjoy dating.

Vulnerabilities of the Established Professional Female

I think it is a misconception that women who are willing to date more than one guy are unable to connect emotionally with any one of them – after all, we date more than one guy to keep our options open. However, this is simply not true: we feel, we hurt, we cry.

Disappointment
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Yesterday, I was reminded that I am a woman who does have feelings and can feel hurt and be consumed by disappointment.  As an Established Professional Female, I am confident and content with who I am. Amongst friends, family and colleagues, I have an image of being a woman who plays hard ball when it comes to work and dating.  However, I am just like every other woman; I am every bit as emotionally vulnerable as those who do not feel confident and empowered.  Feeling confident, empowered, and content in oneself does not protect you from experiencing emotions, nor does it enable control over the way you feel.

In Dating and Relationships: Understanding the Agreement, I explained that my agreement with Mr Cool involved no exclusivity, and as such, I was single.  I saw Mr Cool yesterday – our 12th date.

We sat down for coffee, and after having a catch up on what we had been up to for the past week, he said, ‘So, I feel like I should let you know where you stand with me.’  He had mustered up the courage to have the talk with me.  The talk is a point in which someone suggests variations to the agreement – be it agreed exclusivity or termination of the agreement.

He had been distant during the week.  I braced myself for disappointment.

The beginning of the end
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Mr Cool wanted to terminate our agreement.  I saw it was hard for him to tell me; the top of his lip quivered as he spoke softly and apologised.

He told me that his feelings for me hadn’t developed as he would expect them to.  He knew that on paper I was everything he was looking for and that he was very attracted to me.  He had really hoped that his feelings would develop over the past few months.  However, they had not and he didn’t know why.  He didn’t know why he felt he couldn’t be in a relationship with me; he couldn’t put his finger on why he felt something was missing, but having given it time, he had come to care for me.  But he just felt he couldn’t move things forward and, although he enjoyed my company and spending time with me, he didn’t want to stand in my way of finding a relationship with someone else.  Because he cared for me, he wanted to ensure I could have closure, which was why he thought it best to tell me in person.

No one likes rejection, especially face to face.  However, no man should ever be punished for being decent and honest, even when the news isn’t what you want to hear.  But it is hard to take rejection face to face, especially from someone you really like who you see so much potential with.

Nevertheless, I forced a smile and said, ‘It is what it is and these things can’t always be explained’.  I thanked him from being honest and silently willed myself not to cry.  Despite not having emotional exclusivity, it hurt for me to hear his rejection because I had become emotionally attached to him.  Knowing you are not emotionally exclusive does not stop you from moving along the continuum and developing feelings; knowing only allows for you to recognise your options and to act upon them if you wish.

I was emotionally vulnerable.  I leave myself emotionally vulnerable every time I start dating a guy and I certainly did with Mr Cool.  I was firmly placed in the bit between dating and a relationship  – I wanted commitment exclusivity because I had involuntarily slid down the emotional exclusivity spectrum.

Emotionally vulnerable
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I told him that he shouldn’t feel bad because we were only dating; we weren’t exclusive and we both understood it.  But he said, ‘For me I view what we have as something more than just dating…’

With all the cards being shown, I took the opportunity to ask whether he had been dating anyone else.  It shouldn’t have mattered, but as he was offering me closure, I took the opportunity to understand the whole situation.

He said he hadn’t, and for the summer at least, he was probably going to take a break from dating because he wanted some time for himself.  He acknowledged that he hadn’t really spent any time by himself since getting out of his 10 year relationship in December.

It was only then I realised that he had achieved a greater degree of physical exclusivity than me.  Although he wanted commitment exclusivity, he couldn’t take that extra step; he had moved forward emotionally, but he had not achieved the level of emotional exclusivity he felt it required to be in a relationship.  He too was in the bit between dating and a relationship on the dating/relationship spectrum, albeit due to different elements of the agreement.
It was no secret that I had thought it very soon for him to start dating after getting out of his long-term relationship; he signed up to Match.com in January.  As we were being honest, I said that I believed he would benefit from learning how to be on his own so he could discover who he was as an individual outside of any sort of any relationship, and learn to be happy as an individual.

Mr Cool didn’t disagree with my opinion on the matter.  He has always found it commendable that I am so comfortable with myself.  He felt that by having known me, he has learnt something.

Good luck
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So here’s to you, Mr Cool.  Thank you for your honesty.  Should you ever stumble across my blog, know that, although I did not admit to you that this was anything more than dating for me, it did mean something to me also – something on an emotional level.  Despite the fact you did not see the potential that I did, this does not change how I perceive you.

I may possess the qualities of what you are looking for in a woman, but I may not be who you are looking for and now may not be the right time for you to have agreed exclusivity.  What I mean is that is I believe that once you’ve started to figure out who you are as an individual, you will have a better idea of what and who you really want; only then will it be the right time for you to consider being in a relationship.

I don’t want to be the one to stop you in finding the woman you feel you should be with.  Good luck in your search, Mr Cool, in finding her, but more importantly, in finding yourself.

Dating & Relationships: Understanding the Agreement

In The Approach of the Alpha Male, I introduced the concept of being single despite dating.  This stems from there being a difference between dating and relationships, but I didn’t go into detail.  This is where I hope to explain my view.

Online dating - the new norm
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Through advertising campaigns and the instant nature of sites and apps such as Tinder, online dating has increased in popularity and is now mainstream.  Finding people to date has become much easier and this is reflected in my dating stats: since March 2012, I’ve clocked 43 first dates as of May 2014, 40 of which were courtesy of Match.com.

Until recently the terms dating and relationships could be used almost synonymously.  In my mid-20’s when I was single, and before online dating became the norm, I had never dated more than one guy at once because I couldn’t find suitable guys to date.  Sure, I would go out nearly every weekend, but I rarely met any guys who I wanted to spend more time with and get to know.  During this time, I didn’t distinguish between dating and relationships.

My attitude towards dating has changed and I think it is important to understand the difference between dating and being in a relationship in light of the new cultural norm; it’s about understanding the agreement.

Perhaps it’s a little methodical calling what you have an agreement, but I think that is essentially what it is.  Dating and relationship mean different things to different people: what one person considers dating could be someone else’s idea of a relationship.  This could lead to potential misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Many dating advice sites suggest that dating is when you go out, spend time together and get to know each other to find out whether you can establish a relationship; they consider the difference between dating and a relationship to be commitment – agreeing to see each other on a regular basis and only see each other.

Physical Exclusivity

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I feel that is quite a simplistic view of dating and relationships and suggests that everyone who dates wants a relationship.  I know from personal experience that the latter is not the case.  I don’t feel it’s an either/or situation nor do I feel that the defining factor is when you agree to only see each other on a regular basis.  Furthermore, my understanding of commitment doesn’t include aspects of seeing each other on a regular basis.

There are many different types of agreements in existence: long-term open relationships; exclusive short-term relationships; long distant relationships; teenage first-love relationships.  The either/or basis cannot categorise these types of agreements, and there are varying degrees of physical, emotional and committal involvement.

Therefore, instead of calling what you have dating or a relationship, we should consider the elements of the agreement.  The characteristics to gauge where you are on the dating/relationship spectrum are as follows:

Emotional Exclusivity

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Physical Exclusivity (“PhEx”) – spending time romantically with one person only.  This includes intimate and dating activities, such as going out for dinner and sex.  However, depending on the agreement, sex may or may not be a boundary matter.  In the traditional sense physical exclusivity is monogamy.

Emotional Exclusivity (“EmEx”) – reserving all romantic feelings for one person only.  Love.

Commitment Exclusivity (“CoEx”) – I understand this to be when you see a future with someone and are dedicated to them and your potential future together.  I consider this to be different to exclusivity.  I see commitment as being linked to longevity – long-term relationships and marriage.  It is more than just seeing someone on a regular basis.

Commitment Exclusivity
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There can be various types of agreement with different combinations of PhEx, EmEx and CoEx.  Each characteristic is on a spectrum, so no two agreements are likely to be exactly the same.  What is important and what makes the agreement work is a mutual understanding and open communication.

Regarding dating to determine whether you can establish a relationship, I view it as getting to know each other in order to determine what type of agreement you want.  This may not necessarily be a relationship.  You may even decide to terminate the agreement.  This gives scope for people who aren’t ready for relationships to date.

Call it what you want – dating or a relationship, but let’s face it, when you’re a 30 year old grown woman, whatever you call a relationship is most likely going to be very different to what a 16 year old girl calls her relationship with her first love!

Still single
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In conclusion, I am dating, but I am single.  By that very nature, I am free to date other guys if I wanted to.  This isn’t a matter of game playing, playing hard to get, or being a player.  Quite simply, it is about understanding the agreement and understanding your options.

Mr Cool told me after the 9th date that he didn’t want to ‘rush into a relationship’ – he brought this up in conversation.  I am happy to continue dating Mr Cool – he is an amazing guy.  However, it would be imprudent of him to think he is my sole option.  Until he decides what he wants, or I find another option – whichever happens first – nothing changes: we were single before this discussion; we are both still single now. 

The Approach of the Alpha Male

This wasn’t my anticipated second blog entry, but after a conversation I had a few weeks ago where I consciously observed the chain of events, it amused me how every confident professional guy I have met uses what appears to be a set of rules in order to say hello.

Well deserved after work drink

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Megan suggested going for a few after work drinks at No5 Cavendish Square; it is the sort of bar that attracts the traders of Bond Street and Mayfair; where the price of drinks include a premium for being in the establishment.  When we arrived, it was mainly full of couples on dates and men in suits and no ties.  I’ve dated enough bankers and traders to be able to spot a real one in his natural playground.

After being there for about an hour, we got into conversation with a group of four guys, three of whom worked in finance (the fourth one in the group looked as awkward as hell!).

I’ve noticed that when I meet professional guys on nights out that they almost always use the same routine to ascertain my eligibility stats.  First, they introduce themselves with a handshake, but without invading my personal space.  Then they ask a standard range of questions: what I do for a living, why I’m out drinking, whether I live in London and, in a round about way, whether I have a boyfriend.  Age isn’t broached until later, which sometimes can be very awkward.

The greeting
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Once they’ve established I have no boyfriend, it can become awkward if they are blinded by their own egos and make incorrect assumptions in thinking I am interested in them, when in fact, I’m just talking to them because I like talking about finance, politics and current affairs, and see them as a potential professional contact.

I got talking to the trader of the group, while his friends spoke to Megan.  The trader and I talked shop and flexed our occupational prowess.  I friend-zoned him within seconds – he wasn’t my type, and perhaps hinted one too many time at how much money he earned.  Deliberately, not wanting to give him any indication that I was interested in him, I slipped in the ‘I think you and I could be really good friends’ line into conversation, which he laughed at.

Regardless of this, he eventually approached the subject of whether I had a boyfriend, but only after first paying me a negative compliment.  I responded with a negative compliment directed at him and made it very evident that I knew what he was trying to do.  I don’t think he was used to girls responding like that!

Friend-zoned
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After he got over the surprise he asked whether I had a minimum salary requirement and whether I expected guys to buy me designer handbags and shoes.  Apparently guys actually buy girls such gifts – I appear to be missing out on a trick here!  As selective as I am, provision of handbags and shoes have never been a requirement for whether I date a guy or not.  I suppose I took my Established Professional Female stance on the matter and explained to the trader that I have a career, I am financially comfortable, and I live within my means but can afford to indulge in a few luxuries.  Moreover, I am more than capable of buying my own handbags and shoes, thank you very much!

I did, however, answer the real question.  I confirmed that I wasn’t in a relationship, but I was currently dating a guy – Mr Cool.

I can buy my own shoes!
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David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

Initially, the trader didn’t understand what that meant.  When he spoke to his friends, he referred to me as having a boyfriend.  I was quick to correct him – I did not consider Mr Cool to be my boyfriend; I was very much single and free to date any other guys if I wanted.

The trader and his friends were confused: how could I date a guy, for him not to be my boyfriend, and for me to be able to date other guys?  Good question.

My intended blog entry was about the difference between dating and relationships, but I’ll save that for another time.

The trader joked that until then, he was going to ask me out, but now he felt a little scared because I dated like an alpha male.  However, in understanding there was no boyfriend, he started to invade my personal space and ask about what kind of dates I liked to go on and my idea of the perfect date.

Primal alpha male
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I was relieved when one of his friends, who had been talking to Megan, started talking to me.  It transpired that that we worked in close proximity of each other and we got talking about the area.  The trader was not happy about his friend talking to me and called him the ‘ultimate cock-block’ because he genuinely thought he had a chance with me (his other friends told me this).

I should have anticipated the trader’s response the moment I spoke to another alpha male.  It’s curious how alpha males interact normally, and how they interact when they perceive each other as threats: it triggers a primal, competitive ‘each for their own’ mentality that would otherwise lie dormant.

So, the next time you find yourself amongst a group of alpha males, just see whether they follow the pattern I’ve encountered. I’d be interested to know your thoughts!

The Established Professional Female

I don’t think I find myself in an unusual position of being 30, single and childless. A quick browse through any dating website and you will see an abundance of single women in their 30’s still looking for Mr Right. According to the Office of National Statistics, 45% of women are childless at the point they reach their 30th birthday. This is attributable to women being better educated, pursuing careers and delaying marriage and relationships due to financial independence. I am a mere textbook statistic. But don’t write me off just yet.

The 30th birthday

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The term Bridget Jones Syndrome has been bounded around for decades to describe the single 30-something year old woman who has yet to find her Mr Darcy. However, the term has negative connotations and depicts calorie-counting, chain-smoking single woman who drinks a little too much. She is a childless woman with a disappointing career, who fantasises about being rescued from the stigma of being single by bad boy Daniel Cleaver. She owns a pair of iconic stomach sucking in pants that also holds her world together while she longs for affection and attention. Bridget Jones Syndrome is laced with facets of disappointment and stigma. Is this what society expects all single women to be like by the point they hit 30?

I can identify with our heroine: I party too hard, drink too much, and then suffer the hangovers from hell. I too face the awkward questions of why I am still single and, I admit, there are ‘elements of the ridiculous about [me]’. And as for the items put into my shopping basket – they screams to the world that I am single.

The professional female

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What I struggle to identify with is Bridget Jones’ disappointment and self pity with regard to being single and her tolerance to being treated badly.

I believe I am not alone in being one of the thousands of career orientated women who, although single, do not feel disappointed with the way life has turned out. I don’t just have a job; I have a career which is very important to me. I work in a competitive, high-pressured, male dominated environment and I am happy. I consider myself an established professional female, not someone who is inflicted by Bridget Jones Syndrome.

The UK is far from becoming a gender egalitarian society, but I make no apologies for being childless and unmarried at aged 30 with aspirations that extend beyond marriage. As an established professional female I bought my first property at age 28 and am completely self sufficient and defiantly independent. There is no shame in being an independent, self aware, high achiever. But that is not to say I am not looking for a boyfriend. On the contrary, I have been actively dating for the past 2 years in order to seek out my Mr Darcy (via the Daniel Cleavers), and at times I have wished the ground would open up and swallow me. But unlike those inflicted by Bridget Jones Syndrome, I do not see a boyfriend as a means to an end, nor am I waiting to be rescued.

The alpha male

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There in itself lies the problem and explanation – being an established professional female. When you are as competitive and tough as any man you work with, you seek out the alpha males to date.

There is almost an element of narcissism involved, where you are essentially looking to date the male version of you. I am guilty of this. As a result I have a habit, and reputation, for dating bankers, traders, barristers, solicitors, accountants and executives. These men tick the box in being very male, but they may not be relationship-inclined.

Nevertheless, there is no desperate longing which is associated with Bridget Jones Syndrome. I do not focus on one man – I am willing to date more than one man at a time and I place self respect and dignity above any man in my life.

In believing that there is a difference between Bridget Jones and an established professional female, I hope this blog – my project – will inspire women to feel empowered with whatever position they find themselves in, and to educate men in how to treat women whom they date in order to be successful.

Each blog entry will be based on personal experience, statistics and from conversations with friends. I appreciate not everyone will agree with my approach to dating, but this is the approach which has made me feel most empowered and happy, and facilitated happiness for friends and colleagues in their budding relationships.

Alone but not lonely

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