The Male Freak Out Phase: Coping Mantra

In my previous blog posts I wrote about the signs of the male freak out (MFO) phase in addition to why guys freak out.  As useful as it is spotting the signs of a MFO and understanding why guys freak out, what’s more important when you are in the midst of experiencing a guy freak out, is how to cope.

Frustrated, restless, confused
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In the last post, The Male Freak Out Phase: An Explanation, I described how Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised made me feel when they freaked out: frustrated, restless, confused.  They both freaked out again after resurfacing – when it happened, I was better prepared.

Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised weren’t the only guys who freaked out on me.  When I suspected Mr Ten, Mr Red, Mr Always-Right and Mr Boa were freaking out, I was able to handle each situation relatively well, each time always a little better than the last.  I’ve learnt a little more each time.  Now, whenever a guy I’m dating freaks out, I adopt a set of well-practiced mantras, which I’m now going to share with you.

You deserve better than his behaviour!

You do not deserve to be ignored or made to feel confused.  Yes, he might be a really nice guy and may only be behaving like a douche because he himself is confused, but there are other ways to behave and he knows his behaviour is unkind.  Don’t be the woman who tolerates it.

You deserve respect

To be treated with respect, you must demand respect by respecting yourself and by behaving like you expect it from others.  You need to stand up for yourself.  If you aren’t getting the respect you deserve from him, ask yourself whether you can truly be with someone who doesn’t respect you.  Always be true to yourself and choose dignity over any guy.

Don't chase after him
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Don’t be the girl that chases after the guy 

Your actions pre freak out have relatively little impact.  During freak out, guys emotionally withdraw because they need space, so give him space.  There is no need to remind him that you like him – unless he’s stupid or you've not let on before that you like him – he knows it.  So let him ride out the MFO phase – on his own – you can’t help and it’s not your responsibility.

It’s tempting to send a quick message saying, “hope you’re okay”, or “I miss you” – but don’t. Messages like that won’t help if he needs space.  The more you chase, the further he’ll run, so don’t chase.

Let him go to see if he comes back

I know this sounds counterintuitive, but view yourself as the prize.  Letting him go is the fairest thing for, not only him, but for you.  If he comes back post freak out, you know he came back out of free will and because he wanted to.  As scary as this is, trust that you truly deserve someone who really wants to be with you; the ones who don’t or who aren't sure – let them go.  If he’s worth your time, he’ll realise you’re the prize and he’ll come back for you.

Prioritise yourself – don’t plan your life around the guy

Prioritise yourself
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Continue living your life as you would if he wasn’t part of your life.  That means no avoiding making plans in case he wants to see you, or making preliminary plans that you know full well that you’ll drop if he creeps back into the picture.  Make a plan and stick with it – don’t let your friends and family become a second priority because they are the people who will stick by you above any man.  Be a little selfish and do what you enjoy doing, with the people you enjoy being around.  Keep yourself distracted with positive things.  Go to the gym, hang out with friends, pamper yourself.  Be brave, do something new and push yourself out of your comfort zone and feel alive.

By not planning your life around a guy, you will regain control of your own life and your own happiness. However, I would advise against throwing yourself into work. That tends to be my strategy, but if that works for you, do it.

There is more than one “The One”

As wonderful as you think he might be, as much as there is a spark, be confident enough to believe there will be someone more amazing out there you’ve yet to meet.

If he is freaking out, it is likely that he’s not in the same place as you are and that he probably doesn’t want what you want, thus he’s not The One at this moment of time.  You can’t force someone to want what you want, nor can you force someone to want you.  Trust yourself and believe there will be someone much more compatible for you.

Regaining control – you will be okay
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Perhaps controversially, you could consider dating other guys.  If you’re dating a guy, you don’t have any sort of agreed exclusivity, so you can date whoever you want.  I find this particularly helps me when a guy I’m dating is freaking out.  It reminds me that I have options and, although I can’t control his path, but I can control my own.

These beliefs and actions don’t have to only be executed when you face a MFO phase.  You can empower yourself by reminding yourself of these things whenever your confidence in dating dwindles.

When a guy you really like freaks out on you, it’s tough and it’s disheartening.  You may wonder why you should even bother dating.  But if you give up on dating, the only person who loses out is you.

Undoubtedly, you are a wonderful, caring woman with a lot of love to give.  There is a guy out there worthy of you.  You need to remind yourself of just how amazing you are and trust yourself.

These strategies will hopefully help you gain control – not of his actions, but of your own.  So, accept that dealing with the MFO phase is awful, but have the confidence in yourself to believe you will be okay. Trust me on this one because I completely understand how it feels – you will be okay and you will come out of this stronger.

The Male Freak Out Phase: An Explanation

When you first get talking to a guy or meet him in person for the first time, female intuition will tell you whether he’s a douchebag or not.  It’s not always apparent, but you get an idea.  Unless you have a serious case of bad boy syndrome and subconsciously like being treated badly, you probably won’t be emotionally attracted to the douches.  So what causes perfectly nice, normal guys to behave uncharacteristically like inconsiderate idiots?  What causes guys to freak out?

Since March 2012 I’ve personally encountered guys who have freaked out.  Most disappear without explaining themselves, but two resurfaced post freak out: Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised.

I met Mr Audacious in February 2012 in a pub, and went on a date with him in March 2012.  He is one of the few guys who wasn't originally from Match.com.

The promising start
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From the outset, he was very keen, almost over keen; messaging me a lot to get my attention. Although the situation was initially physically led, by messaging back and forth, an emotional connection started to develop.  By the time we were on our date, it was hard to contain the sparks.  Throughout the evening we discovered we had even more in common than we first thought and he gave me the impression he wanted to see me again.  However, after the amazing first date, he started to exhibit the classic freak out signs.  It lasted about 2 weeks, during which time he did not ask me out again.  I got incredibly frustrated because I didn't know where I stood, until I finally had enough him making me feel like that and closed the chapter on him, accepting I would not get any answers.

However, Mr Audacious resurfaced in June 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise for his behaviour.

Mr Disorganised appeared in September 2012 – one of the 43 Match.com dates.  He was an emotionally led decision, but I did find him attractive.  We built on the emotional connection through our messages online, so by the time we moved onto texting and then finally meeting, I was attracted to him both emotionally and physically.

A great date
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Our first date was one of those amazing dates where sparks flew.  We already knew we had a lot in common prior to us meeting, so meeting was, for a large part, to determine whether there was any chemistry.  At the end of the date, he asked me out again, and we saw each other again soon, ie the next day for lunch, and again that weekend.

And then he exhibited all the classic signs of the freak out.  His behaviour left me in pieces.  Holly, who had come to my flat for tea, had never seen me like that before; I wasn't composed, in control or conducting myself like an established professional female; I was restless and craving his attention. Holly found it somewhat surprising that a guy could affect me like that.  Eventually, I pulled myself together and accepted it was over and it wasn’t going to work, that Mr Disorganised didn’t want what I wanted.

It almost came as a surprise when Mr Disorganised reappeared in October 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise, exactly like Mr Audacious had done.

With both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised reappearing and apologising, I wanted answers to my questions, if anything for the closure I never got before.  From the questions I asked, I learnt a lot about the MFO phase.

Guys freak out because they get scared; they may think they want commitment exclusivity and will go through the motions and feel excited about it, but when they get time to process the whole situation, reality hits them and they find it a frightening prospect.  They know what they should want, and part of them thinks they want it until it gets too real.  Their fear is exacerbated when they are presented with an amazing woman, who they realise has the potential to be a long term prospect.  A guy will only ever freak out when there is a mutual spark (it is possible that they may freak out if there is a one sided spark, but because you’re not feeling the spark, it’s not really an issue for you).  Sometimes it’s easier for them to ignore the fear by removing themselves from the situation, which will mean withdrawing emotionally, creating time for themselves, and ignoring you.  They realise this behaviour is unkind, but their need to grasp onto their sense of non-exclusivity outweighs their sense of behaving appropriately towards you.

The post freak out disappearing act
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Guys can freak out at any time, but for me it’s always been in the bit between dating and a relationship.  If the guy is freak out inclined, it is unlikely that your behaviour will have much impact on the outcome.  On my dates with both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised, it was merely dating; I never once mentioned that I wanted to be in a relationship with them.  I was just being myself, but that was all it took.  However, because they had the seed of potential planted in their heads, they let the notion grow and decided to nip things in the bud without speaking to me first.

My behaviour during freak out, however, did have an impact. I wanted answers which they wouldn't give me; I wanted to know if I would be seeing them again.  This fuelled their freak out fire and they felt pressured and cornered, and so they disappeared.

Most of the time, it’s easier for a guy to ignore you.  It is rare that they will ever get in contact post freak out.  When it does happen, it will most likely be to apologise and to ask for another chance. There is no right or wrong with whether you should give them a second chance.  All that I can advise is understand what has happened, do what will make you happy in the long term, and, most importantly, trust your female intuition.

The Male Freak Out Phase: Behaviour

In 2012 when I first started online dating, something which I wasn't prepared for was the Male Freak Out (MFO).  The MFO is a phase where a guy you’re dating, all of a sudden, with next to no warning, becomes distant, changes his pattern of communication, and avoids you.  There are variations to the MFO phase; if you’re really unlucky, the guy can deliberately try to hurt you.  But in general, the signs are the same, and you are left feeling confused, anxious and sometimes hurt.

Emotional turmoil
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David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

The MFO phase isn't uncommon.  Guys can freak out over the most insignificant things – I once held hands with a guy on the third date whilst walking and he freaked out!

I was very naïve when I first started dating; I didn't realise guys freaked out.  The first few times it happened, I felt completely lost and totally beside myself.  I didn't know what to do or how to cope.  My emotions were all over the place.

Nearly 2 and a half years on, I feel I have a better understanding about the MFO phase.  I can only speak from personal experience, from talking to guys who have freaked out, and from talking to my female friends who have experienced a guy freaking out.  But I feel I have developed a way of dealing with the MFO phase.  When I find myself faced with it, I put in practice what I advise friends, and I find, as difficult as the situation may be, it helps me function.

I will be publishing several blog posts on the MFO phase.  I hope my experience can offer you a better understanding on this matter and advice which you will find helpful.

In this first post, I want to introduce the behaviours associated with the male freak out.

MFO behaviour can be split into three main phases: pre freak out; during freak out; post freak out. Behaviour a guy exhibits can vary, but over the years I've noticed patterns.

Pre freak out

The Male Freak Out
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The guys who make me feel that they’re going to freak out are those who are too into me too soon.  On the first or second date, they tell you they’ll love to take you to this really nice place they know on the next date because they think you’ll really like it.  On occasions they've assumed that there will be another date.  On the second or third date they suggest going away together for a weekend, despite the fact you don’t really know each other!

At the end of each date, he will be eager to make arrangements to see you again – soon.  Like the next day.

When guys behave like this, I feel very uncomfortable, not just because I've seen this sort of behaviour before, but because it’s too much too soon, and I need my space.  There is nothing wrong with going with the flow at his pace if you’re comfortable with it.  But if it’s moving too quickly, it’s advisable to move at your own place.  But be aware that guys can freak out, even if they show no pre freak out behaviour. Likewise, it is possible that they will not freak out even if they exhibit such behaviour.

During freak out

When a guy freaks out, they’ll most likely cancel your next date, that is if they've arranged a next date.  They probably won’t suggest rescheduling it.  They’ll avoid getting in contact with you and you will notice a difference in frequency and quality of the contact you have.  Whereas before, when they have always tried to make time for you, they will repeatedly start being too busy at work to make time for you.
Occasionally, I've been in a situation where they appear to have dropped off the face of the earth and don’t even get in contact to confirm/cancel a date, and do not respond to my messages.

Frequency and quality of contact
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David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

When guys think this sort of behaviour is acceptable, it does upset me a little and does put me off dating. The last guy Megan dated freaked out (classic MFO phase), and she’s now taking a break from dating because she’s fed up with the guy.  To an extent, I agree because such behaviour does cause a lot of unnecessarily emotional turmoil and drama.

Post freak out

A guy can end the MFO phase by coming back to you, with or without an explanation, or simply disappearing with no further word.

Where the guys have come back to me, they initially scoped to see how I react to them.  Only when I've responded and if I've not told them to do one, will they apologise and explained that they got scared of the situation they found themselves in, and so ‘ran away’ from it.  Such guys don’t get in contact unless they want a second chance.

The danger with giving a guy another chance is that they can put you through emotional turmoil again if they freak out once again.  If this is a risk you think is worth taking, then you need to take it.  Otherwise, don’t. Unfortunately, each time I took a risk, it’s only resulted in them freaking out again.

In the instance where they just disappear… they just disappear and don’t offer you any closure.  I think a principle of modern day dating is that you can’t always expect closure.

Hurt
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I've based this post on my experience of the type of behaviour you can expect to see from a guy going through a freak out, and I hope it has helped you in realising you’re not alone if you have or are experiencing the same sort of behaviour from a guy.  As difficult as it is to accept, a guy who acts like a douchebag during a freak out isn't necessarily a bad guy; he’s just behaving like one.  However, this doesn't stop his behaviour really hurting your feelings.

In my next posts on the MFO phase, I will explain why some guys freak out, and how I cope when a guy I'm dating freaks out.

Approaches to Dating

The single teacher in search of the one

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It’s well acknowledged amongst my friends and family that I have a good grasp on how dating works – after 43 first dates, you can’t help but understand it – you have no choice on the matter!

Being on Match.com you will not be short of attention.  Admittedly, the attention you get isn’t always wanted.  I believe this is true for both men and women.  So, if there’s so much choice, how do you go about deciding who to date?  And who should you avoid?

This post is about my friend Alastair, an English teacher, in search of his the one.

Alastair is extremely well read (he banged on about The Odyssey and The Iliad in our first year of university for an entire term).  He has a masterful grasp of English (commenting greatly on my use of split infinitives when he proofread my final year dissertation).  Deep down Alastair is a little shy and self-doubting, but he is sensitive and caring.  However, when left to his own devices, he makes terrible choices when it comes to women.

In August 2012 I learnt that Alastair had joined Match.com but was only having limited success.  While at university he had a habit of going for the ‘smutty ones’ and it seemed like he hadn’t grown out of it.  As a result, he was choosing to contact women who society deems to be beautiful, placing little consideration on their moral character, interests, or intelligence.  Of the dates he did go on (not that many), it seemed that the women only knew Homer as a Simpsons character.  He just couldn’t connect on an emotional level with any of these women.

Online dating - which approach?

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Reluctantly, Alastair agreed to accept my help, on the basis that he would adhere to all my instructions, irrespective of whether he agreed to them or not.

I am of the belief that there are two main approaches to dating: statistical and precision.  It is no secret that dating is a stats game.  Therefore taking a statistical approach isn’t entirely illogical, because let’s face it, ‘you never know’ when you ‘give someone a chance’.  However, Alastair’s statistical approach wasn’t working for him; his statistical approach was physical connections led.  By physical connections, I mean Alastair was basing his statistical approach on the women’s appearance and proximity.

I advised (read instructed) Alastair to change his approach in who to contact and who to ask out on a first date.

Firstly, I wanted Alastair to lead his search through emotional connections: morality, interests, beliefs, and so on. Only once it is established that a woman meets the minimum emotional criteria, should he consider whether she meets his minimum physical criteria.

Physical and emotional connections

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Secondly, I wanted him to take a precision approach.  He was only allowed to date women who he felt he had enough of an emotional connection with who he was physically attracted to.  He was not allowed to date any woman who fell sort of either minimum criteria, in particular, the minimum emotional criteria, even if she made up for it by exceeding the physical connections.

In addition to giving him instructions of how to choose who to date and who to ask out, I rewrote his Match.com profile to show who he was really was as a person and gave him instructions of how to conduct a good first date, to make the most of meeting someone for the first time, and how to make a good impression.

It is possible for Alastair to have taken an emotional led statistical approach, or a physical led precision approach, but knowing Alastair and knowing he was looking for a proper relationship, I felt the emotional led precision approach would suit him best.

Alastair adhered to my instructions and kept the changes I made to his profile.  In December 2012 he had a first date with Amy, a science teacher.  Amy was first introduced to me in February 2013 and I thought she was the perfect match for Alastair: brilliant, beautiful, intelligent, and every bit of the Established Professional Female.

Moving in together

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I am pleased to say that they are still together.  They have just sold their respective properties and have bought a house together.  They are due to move into their new home next week.

They are an amazing couple and I’m incredibly happy for their found happiness; they are a couple that give me faith that love through online dating is possible.

So what approach do I take?

Time isn’t something which is abundant to me and very recently I seem to be working late most nights.  I am a sucker for a good looking man, but placing physical connections ahead of emotional ones just doesn’t cut it when the initial novelty of dating a really good looking guy has passed.

I have tried the physical led precision approach and the emotional led statistical approach.  What works best for me, and allows me to have the most enjoyable dates, is the emotional led precision approach.

Now, the question is which approach works best for you?  Different approaches suit different people and, depending on what you want, can cater for what you are looking for.  If the approach you are using isn’t getting you the results you want, consider trying out another one.  Be adventurous, open minded, and enjoy dating.

Dating & Relationships: Understanding the Agreement

In The Approach of the Alpha Male, I introduced the concept of being single despite dating.  This stems from there being a difference between dating and relationships, but I didn’t go into detail.  This is where I hope to explain my view.

Online dating - the new norm
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Through advertising campaigns and the instant nature of sites and apps such as Tinder, online dating has increased in popularity and is now mainstream.  Finding people to date has become much easier and this is reflected in my dating stats: since March 2012, I’ve clocked 43 first dates as of May 2014, 40 of which were courtesy of Match.com.

Until recently the terms dating and relationships could be used almost synonymously.  In my mid-20’s when I was single, and before online dating became the norm, I had never dated more than one guy at once because I couldn’t find suitable guys to date.  Sure, I would go out nearly every weekend, but I rarely met any guys who I wanted to spend more time with and get to know.  During this time, I didn’t distinguish between dating and relationships.

My attitude towards dating has changed and I think it is important to understand the difference between dating and being in a relationship in light of the new cultural norm; it’s about understanding the agreement.

Perhaps it’s a little methodical calling what you have an agreement, but I think that is essentially what it is.  Dating and relationship mean different things to different people: what one person considers dating could be someone else’s idea of a relationship.  This could lead to potential misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Many dating advice sites suggest that dating is when you go out, spend time together and get to know each other to find out whether you can establish a relationship; they consider the difference between dating and a relationship to be commitment – agreeing to see each other on a regular basis and only see each other.

Physical Exclusivity

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I feel that is quite a simplistic view of dating and relationships and suggests that everyone who dates wants a relationship.  I know from personal experience that the latter is not the case.  I don’t feel it’s an either/or situation nor do I feel that the defining factor is when you agree to only see each other on a regular basis.  Furthermore, my understanding of commitment doesn’t include aspects of seeing each other on a regular basis.

There are many different types of agreements in existence: long-term open relationships; exclusive short-term relationships; long distant relationships; teenage first-love relationships.  The either/or basis cannot categorise these types of agreements, and there are varying degrees of physical, emotional and committal involvement.

Therefore, instead of calling what you have dating or a relationship, we should consider the elements of the agreement.  The characteristics to gauge where you are on the dating/relationship spectrum are as follows:

Emotional Exclusivity

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Physical Exclusivity (“PhEx”) – spending time romantically with one person only.  This includes intimate and dating activities, such as going out for dinner and sex.  However, depending on the agreement, sex may or may not be a boundary matter.  In the traditional sense physical exclusivity is monogamy.

Emotional Exclusivity (“EmEx”) – reserving all romantic feelings for one person only.  Love.

Commitment Exclusivity (“CoEx”) – I understand this to be when you see a future with someone and are dedicated to them and your potential future together.  I consider this to be different to exclusivity.  I see commitment as being linked to longevity – long-term relationships and marriage.  It is more than just seeing someone on a regular basis.

Commitment Exclusivity
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There can be various types of agreement with different combinations of PhEx, EmEx and CoEx.  Each characteristic is on a spectrum, so no two agreements are likely to be exactly the same.  What is important and what makes the agreement work is a mutual understanding and open communication.

Regarding dating to determine whether you can establish a relationship, I view it as getting to know each other in order to determine what type of agreement you want.  This may not necessarily be a relationship.  You may even decide to terminate the agreement.  This gives scope for people who aren’t ready for relationships to date.

Call it what you want – dating or a relationship, but let’s face it, when you’re a 30 year old grown woman, whatever you call a relationship is most likely going to be very different to what a 16 year old girl calls her relationship with her first love!

Still single
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In conclusion, I am dating, but I am single.  By that very nature, I am free to date other guys if I wanted to.  This isn’t a matter of game playing, playing hard to get, or being a player.  Quite simply, it is about understanding the agreement and understanding your options.

Mr Cool told me after the 9th date that he didn’t want to ‘rush into a relationship’ – he brought this up in conversation.  I am happy to continue dating Mr Cool – he is an amazing guy.  However, it would be imprudent of him to think he is my sole option.  Until he decides what he wants, or I find another option – whichever happens first – nothing changes: we were single before this discussion; we are both still single now.