The Male Freak Out Phase: Behaviour

In 2012 when I first started online dating, something which I wasn't prepared for was the Male Freak Out (MFO).  The MFO is a phase where a guy you’re dating, all of a sudden, with next to no warning, becomes distant, changes his pattern of communication, and avoids you.  There are variations to the MFO phase; if you’re really unlucky, the guy can deliberately try to hurt you.  But in general, the signs are the same, and you are left feeling confused, anxious and sometimes hurt.

Emotional turmoil
Image courtesy of
David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

The MFO phase isn't uncommon.  Guys can freak out over the most insignificant things – I once held hands with a guy on the third date whilst walking and he freaked out!

I was very naïve when I first started dating; I didn't realise guys freaked out.  The first few times it happened, I felt completely lost and totally beside myself.  I didn't know what to do or how to cope.  My emotions were all over the place.

Nearly 2 and a half years on, I feel I have a better understanding about the MFO phase.  I can only speak from personal experience, from talking to guys who have freaked out, and from talking to my female friends who have experienced a guy freaking out.  But I feel I have developed a way of dealing with the MFO phase.  When I find myself faced with it, I put in practice what I advise friends, and I find, as difficult as the situation may be, it helps me function.

I will be publishing several blog posts on the MFO phase.  I hope my experience can offer you a better understanding on this matter and advice which you will find helpful.

In this first post, I want to introduce the behaviours associated with the male freak out.

MFO behaviour can be split into three main phases: pre freak out; during freak out; post freak out. Behaviour a guy exhibits can vary, but over the years I've noticed patterns.

Pre freak out

The Male Freak Out
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The guys who make me feel that they’re going to freak out are those who are too into me too soon.  On the first or second date, they tell you they’ll love to take you to this really nice place they know on the next date because they think you’ll really like it.  On occasions they've assumed that there will be another date.  On the second or third date they suggest going away together for a weekend, despite the fact you don’t really know each other!

At the end of each date, he will be eager to make arrangements to see you again – soon.  Like the next day.

When guys behave like this, I feel very uncomfortable, not just because I've seen this sort of behaviour before, but because it’s too much too soon, and I need my space.  There is nothing wrong with going with the flow at his pace if you’re comfortable with it.  But if it’s moving too quickly, it’s advisable to move at your own place.  But be aware that guys can freak out, even if they show no pre freak out behaviour. Likewise, it is possible that they will not freak out even if they exhibit such behaviour.

During freak out

When a guy freaks out, they’ll most likely cancel your next date, that is if they've arranged a next date.  They probably won’t suggest rescheduling it.  They’ll avoid getting in contact with you and you will notice a difference in frequency and quality of the contact you have.  Whereas before, when they have always tried to make time for you, they will repeatedly start being too busy at work to make time for you.
Occasionally, I've been in a situation where they appear to have dropped off the face of the earth and don’t even get in contact to confirm/cancel a date, and do not respond to my messages.

Frequency and quality of contact
Image courtesy of
David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

When guys think this sort of behaviour is acceptable, it does upset me a little and does put me off dating. The last guy Megan dated freaked out (classic MFO phase), and she’s now taking a break from dating because she’s fed up with the guy.  To an extent, I agree because such behaviour does cause a lot of unnecessarily emotional turmoil and drama.

Post freak out

A guy can end the MFO phase by coming back to you, with or without an explanation, or simply disappearing with no further word.

Where the guys have come back to me, they initially scoped to see how I react to them.  Only when I've responded and if I've not told them to do one, will they apologise and explained that they got scared of the situation they found themselves in, and so ‘ran away’ from it.  Such guys don’t get in contact unless they want a second chance.

The danger with giving a guy another chance is that they can put you through emotional turmoil again if they freak out once again.  If this is a risk you think is worth taking, then you need to take it.  Otherwise, don’t. Unfortunately, each time I took a risk, it’s only resulted in them freaking out again.

In the instance where they just disappear… they just disappear and don’t offer you any closure.  I think a principle of modern day dating is that you can’t always expect closure.

Hurt
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

I've based this post on my experience of the type of behaviour you can expect to see from a guy going through a freak out, and I hope it has helped you in realising you’re not alone if you have or are experiencing the same sort of behaviour from a guy.  As difficult as it is to accept, a guy who acts like a douchebag during a freak out isn't necessarily a bad guy; he’s just behaving like one.  However, this doesn't stop his behaviour really hurting your feelings.

In my next posts on the MFO phase, I will explain why some guys freak out, and how I cope when a guy I'm dating freaks out.