Approaches to Dating

The single teacher in search of the one

Image courtesy of Ambro / freedigitalphotos.net

It’s well acknowledged amongst my friends and family that I have a good grasp on how dating works – after 43 first dates, you can’t help but understand it – you have no choice on the matter!

Being on Match.com you will not be short of attention.  Admittedly, the attention you get isn’t always wanted.  I believe this is true for both men and women.  So, if there’s so much choice, how do you go about deciding who to date?  And who should you avoid?

This post is about my friend Alastair, an English teacher, in search of his the one.

Alastair is extremely well read (he banged on about The Odyssey and The Iliad in our first year of university for an entire term).  He has a masterful grasp of English (commenting greatly on my use of split infinitives when he proofread my final year dissertation).  Deep down Alastair is a little shy and self-doubting, but he is sensitive and caring.  However, when left to his own devices, he makes terrible choices when it comes to women.

In August 2012 I learnt that Alastair had joined Match.com but was only having limited success.  While at university he had a habit of going for the ‘smutty ones’ and it seemed like he hadn’t grown out of it.  As a result, he was choosing to contact women who society deems to be beautiful, placing little consideration on their moral character, interests, or intelligence.  Of the dates he did go on (not that many), it seemed that the women only knew Homer as a Simpsons character.  He just couldn’t connect on an emotional level with any of these women.

Online dating - which approach?

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Reluctantly, Alastair agreed to accept my help, on the basis that he would adhere to all my instructions, irrespective of whether he agreed to them or not.

I am of the belief that there are two main approaches to dating: statistical and precision.  It is no secret that dating is a stats game.  Therefore taking a statistical approach isn’t entirely illogical, because let’s face it, ‘you never know’ when you ‘give someone a chance’.  However, Alastair’s statistical approach wasn’t working for him; his statistical approach was physical connections led.  By physical connections, I mean Alastair was basing his statistical approach on the women’s appearance and proximity.

I advised (read instructed) Alastair to change his approach in who to contact and who to ask out on a first date.

Firstly, I wanted Alastair to lead his search through emotional connections: morality, interests, beliefs, and so on. Only once it is established that a woman meets the minimum emotional criteria, should he consider whether she meets his minimum physical criteria.

Physical and emotional connections

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Secondly, I wanted him to take a precision approach.  He was only allowed to date women who he felt he had enough of an emotional connection with who he was physically attracted to.  He was not allowed to date any woman who fell sort of either minimum criteria, in particular, the minimum emotional criteria, even if she made up for it by exceeding the physical connections.

In addition to giving him instructions of how to choose who to date and who to ask out, I rewrote his Match.com profile to show who he was really was as a person and gave him instructions of how to conduct a good first date, to make the most of meeting someone for the first time, and how to make a good impression.

It is possible for Alastair to have taken an emotional led statistical approach, or a physical led precision approach, but knowing Alastair and knowing he was looking for a proper relationship, I felt the emotional led precision approach would suit him best.

Alastair adhered to my instructions and kept the changes I made to his profile.  In December 2012 he had a first date with Amy, a science teacher.  Amy was first introduced to me in February 2013 and I thought she was the perfect match for Alastair: brilliant, beautiful, intelligent, and every bit of the Established Professional Female.

Moving in together

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I am pleased to say that they are still together.  They have just sold their respective properties and have bought a house together.  They are due to move into their new home next week.

They are an amazing couple and I’m incredibly happy for their found happiness; they are a couple that give me faith that love through online dating is possible.

So what approach do I take?

Time isn’t something which is abundant to me and very recently I seem to be working late most nights.  I am a sucker for a good looking man, but placing physical connections ahead of emotional ones just doesn’t cut it when the initial novelty of dating a really good looking guy has passed.

I have tried the physical led precision approach and the emotional led statistical approach.  What works best for me, and allows me to have the most enjoyable dates, is the emotional led precision approach.

Now, the question is which approach works best for you?  Different approaches suit different people and, depending on what you want, can cater for what you are looking for.  If the approach you are using isn’t getting you the results you want, consider trying out another one.  Be adventurous, open minded, and enjoy dating.