Vulnerabilities of the Established Professional Female

I think it is a misconception that women who are willing to date more than one guy are unable to connect emotionally with any one of them – after all, we date more than one guy to keep our options open. However, this is simply not true: we feel, we hurt, we cry.

Disappointment
Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat / freedigitalphotos.net

Yesterday, I was reminded that I am a woman who does have feelings and can feel hurt and be consumed by disappointment.  As an Established Professional Female, I am confident and content with who I am. Amongst friends, family and colleagues, I have an image of being a woman who plays hard ball when it comes to work and dating.  However, I am just like every other woman; I am every bit as emotionally vulnerable as those who do not feel confident and empowered.  Feeling confident, empowered, and content in oneself does not protect you from experiencing emotions, nor does it enable control over the way you feel.

In Dating and Relationships: Understanding the Agreement, I explained that my agreement with Mr Cool involved no exclusivity, and as such, I was single.  I saw Mr Cool yesterday – our 12th date.

We sat down for coffee, and after having a catch up on what we had been up to for the past week, he said, ‘So, I feel like I should let you know where you stand with me.’  He had mustered up the courage to have the talk with me.  The talk is a point in which someone suggests variations to the agreement – be it agreed exclusivity or termination of the agreement.

He had been distant during the week.  I braced myself for disappointment.

The beginning of the end
Copyright © 2014 The Zara Finchley Project

Mr Cool wanted to terminate our agreement.  I saw it was hard for him to tell me; the top of his lip quivered as he spoke softly and apologised.

He told me that his feelings for me hadn’t developed as he would expect them to.  He knew that on paper I was everything he was looking for and that he was very attracted to me.  He had really hoped that his feelings would develop over the past few months.  However, they had not and he didn’t know why.  He didn’t know why he felt he couldn’t be in a relationship with me; he couldn’t put his finger on why he felt something was missing, but having given it time, he had come to care for me.  But he just felt he couldn’t move things forward and, although he enjoyed my company and spending time with me, he didn’t want to stand in my way of finding a relationship with someone else.  Because he cared for me, he wanted to ensure I could have closure, which was why he thought it best to tell me in person.

No one likes rejection, especially face to face.  However, no man should ever be punished for being decent and honest, even when the news isn’t what you want to hear.  But it is hard to take rejection face to face, especially from someone you really like who you see so much potential with.

Nevertheless, I forced a smile and said, ‘It is what it is and these things can’t always be explained’.  I thanked him from being honest and silently willed myself not to cry.  Despite not having emotional exclusivity, it hurt for me to hear his rejection because I had become emotionally attached to him.  Knowing you are not emotionally exclusive does not stop you from moving along the continuum and developing feelings; knowing only allows for you to recognise your options and to act upon them if you wish.

I was emotionally vulnerable.  I leave myself emotionally vulnerable every time I start dating a guy and I certainly did with Mr Cool.  I was firmly placed in the bit between dating and a relationship  – I wanted commitment exclusivity because I had involuntarily slid down the emotional exclusivity spectrum.

Emotionally vulnerable
Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat / freedigitalphotos.net

I told him that he shouldn’t feel bad because we were only dating; we weren’t exclusive and we both understood it.  But he said, ‘For me I view what we have as something more than just dating…’

With all the cards being shown, I took the opportunity to ask whether he had been dating anyone else.  It shouldn’t have mattered, but as he was offering me closure, I took the opportunity to understand the whole situation.

He said he hadn’t, and for the summer at least, he was probably going to take a break from dating because he wanted some time for himself.  He acknowledged that he hadn’t really spent any time by himself since getting out of his 10 year relationship in December.

It was only then I realised that he had achieved a greater degree of physical exclusivity than me.  Although he wanted commitment exclusivity, he couldn’t take that extra step; he had moved forward emotionally, but he had not achieved the level of emotional exclusivity he felt it required to be in a relationship.  He too was in the bit between dating and a relationship on the dating/relationship spectrum, albeit due to different elements of the agreement.
It was no secret that I had thought it very soon for him to start dating after getting out of his long-term relationship; he signed up to Match.com in January.  As we were being honest, I said that I believed he would benefit from learning how to be on his own so he could discover who he was as an individual outside of any sort of any relationship, and learn to be happy as an individual.

Mr Cool didn’t disagree with my opinion on the matter.  He has always found it commendable that I am so comfortable with myself.  He felt that by having known me, he has learnt something.

Good luck
Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat / freedigitalphotos.net

So here’s to you, Mr Cool.  Thank you for your honesty.  Should you ever stumble across my blog, know that, although I did not admit to you that this was anything more than dating for me, it did mean something to me also – something on an emotional level.  Despite the fact you did not see the potential that I did, this does not change how I perceive you.

I may possess the qualities of what you are looking for in a woman, but I may not be who you are looking for and now may not be the right time for you to have agreed exclusivity.  What I mean is that is I believe that once you’ve started to figure out who you are as an individual, you will have a better idea of what and who you really want; only then will it be the right time for you to consider being in a relationship.

I don’t want to be the one to stop you in finding the woman you feel you should be with.  Good luck in your search, Mr Cool, in finding her, but more importantly, in finding yourself.