The Male Freak Out Phase: An Explanation

When you first get talking to a guy or meet him in person for the first time, female intuition will tell you whether he’s a douchebag or not.  It’s not always apparent, but you get an idea.  Unless you have a serious case of bad boy syndrome and subconsciously like being treated badly, you probably won’t be emotionally attracted to the douches.  So what causes perfectly nice, normal guys to behave uncharacteristically like inconsiderate idiots?  What causes guys to freak out?

Since March 2012 I’ve personally encountered guys who have freaked out.  Most disappear without explaining themselves, but two resurfaced post freak out: Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised.

I met Mr Audacious in February 2012 in a pub, and went on a date with him in March 2012.  He is one of the few guys who wasn't originally from Match.com.

The promising start
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From the outset, he was very keen, almost over keen; messaging me a lot to get my attention. Although the situation was initially physically led, by messaging back and forth, an emotional connection started to develop.  By the time we were on our date, it was hard to contain the sparks.  Throughout the evening we discovered we had even more in common than we first thought and he gave me the impression he wanted to see me again.  However, after the amazing first date, he started to exhibit the classic freak out signs.  It lasted about 2 weeks, during which time he did not ask me out again.  I got incredibly frustrated because I didn't know where I stood, until I finally had enough him making me feel like that and closed the chapter on him, accepting I would not get any answers.

However, Mr Audacious resurfaced in June 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise for his behaviour.

Mr Disorganised appeared in September 2012 – one of the 43 Match.com dates.  He was an emotionally led decision, but I did find him attractive.  We built on the emotional connection through our messages online, so by the time we moved onto texting and then finally meeting, I was attracted to him both emotionally and physically.

A great date
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Our first date was one of those amazing dates where sparks flew.  We already knew we had a lot in common prior to us meeting, so meeting was, for a large part, to determine whether there was any chemistry.  At the end of the date, he asked me out again, and we saw each other again soon, ie the next day for lunch, and again that weekend.

And then he exhibited all the classic signs of the freak out.  His behaviour left me in pieces.  Holly, who had come to my flat for tea, had never seen me like that before; I wasn't composed, in control or conducting myself like an established professional female; I was restless and craving his attention. Holly found it somewhat surprising that a guy could affect me like that.  Eventually, I pulled myself together and accepted it was over and it wasn’t going to work, that Mr Disorganised didn’t want what I wanted.

It almost came as a surprise when Mr Disorganised reappeared in October 2012, initially with a message to check I would reply, and then to apologise, exactly like Mr Audacious had done.

With both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised reappearing and apologising, I wanted answers to my questions, if anything for the closure I never got before.  From the questions I asked, I learnt a lot about the MFO phase.

Guys freak out because they get scared; they may think they want commitment exclusivity and will go through the motions and feel excited about it, but when they get time to process the whole situation, reality hits them and they find it a frightening prospect.  They know what they should want, and part of them thinks they want it until it gets too real.  Their fear is exacerbated when they are presented with an amazing woman, who they realise has the potential to be a long term prospect.  A guy will only ever freak out when there is a mutual spark (it is possible that they may freak out if there is a one sided spark, but because you’re not feeling the spark, it’s not really an issue for you).  Sometimes it’s easier for them to ignore the fear by removing themselves from the situation, which will mean withdrawing emotionally, creating time for themselves, and ignoring you.  They realise this behaviour is unkind, but their need to grasp onto their sense of non-exclusivity outweighs their sense of behaving appropriately towards you.

The post freak out disappearing act
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Guys can freak out at any time, but for me it’s always been in the bit between dating and a relationship.  If the guy is freak out inclined, it is unlikely that your behaviour will have much impact on the outcome.  On my dates with both Mr Audacious and Mr Disorganised, it was merely dating; I never once mentioned that I wanted to be in a relationship with them.  I was just being myself, but that was all it took.  However, because they had the seed of potential planted in their heads, they let the notion grow and decided to nip things in the bud without speaking to me first.

My behaviour during freak out, however, did have an impact. I wanted answers which they wouldn't give me; I wanted to know if I would be seeing them again.  This fuelled their freak out fire and they felt pressured and cornered, and so they disappeared.

Most of the time, it’s easier for a guy to ignore you.  It is rare that they will ever get in contact post freak out.  When it does happen, it will most likely be to apologise and to ask for another chance. There is no right or wrong with whether you should give them a second chance.  All that I can advise is understand what has happened, do what will make you happy in the long term, and, most importantly, trust your female intuition.

The Male Freak Out Phase: Behaviour

In 2012 when I first started online dating, something which I wasn't prepared for was the Male Freak Out (MFO).  The MFO is a phase where a guy you’re dating, all of a sudden, with next to no warning, becomes distant, changes his pattern of communication, and avoids you.  There are variations to the MFO phase; if you’re really unlucky, the guy can deliberately try to hurt you.  But in general, the signs are the same, and you are left feeling confused, anxious and sometimes hurt.

Emotional turmoil
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The MFO phase isn't uncommon.  Guys can freak out over the most insignificant things – I once held hands with a guy on the third date whilst walking and he freaked out!

I was very naïve when I first started dating; I didn't realise guys freaked out.  The first few times it happened, I felt completely lost and totally beside myself.  I didn't know what to do or how to cope.  My emotions were all over the place.

Nearly 2 and a half years on, I feel I have a better understanding about the MFO phase.  I can only speak from personal experience, from talking to guys who have freaked out, and from talking to my female friends who have experienced a guy freaking out.  But I feel I have developed a way of dealing with the MFO phase.  When I find myself faced with it, I put in practice what I advise friends, and I find, as difficult as the situation may be, it helps me function.

I will be publishing several blog posts on the MFO phase.  I hope my experience can offer you a better understanding on this matter and advice which you will find helpful.

In this first post, I want to introduce the behaviours associated with the male freak out.

MFO behaviour can be split into three main phases: pre freak out; during freak out; post freak out. Behaviour a guy exhibits can vary, but over the years I've noticed patterns.

Pre freak out

The Male Freak Out
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The guys who make me feel that they’re going to freak out are those who are too into me too soon.  On the first or second date, they tell you they’ll love to take you to this really nice place they know on the next date because they think you’ll really like it.  On occasions they've assumed that there will be another date.  On the second or third date they suggest going away together for a weekend, despite the fact you don’t really know each other!

At the end of each date, he will be eager to make arrangements to see you again – soon.  Like the next day.

When guys behave like this, I feel very uncomfortable, not just because I've seen this sort of behaviour before, but because it’s too much too soon, and I need my space.  There is nothing wrong with going with the flow at his pace if you’re comfortable with it.  But if it’s moving too quickly, it’s advisable to move at your own place.  But be aware that guys can freak out, even if they show no pre freak out behaviour. Likewise, it is possible that they will not freak out even if they exhibit such behaviour.

During freak out

When a guy freaks out, they’ll most likely cancel your next date, that is if they've arranged a next date.  They probably won’t suggest rescheduling it.  They’ll avoid getting in contact with you and you will notice a difference in frequency and quality of the contact you have.  Whereas before, when they have always tried to make time for you, they will repeatedly start being too busy at work to make time for you.
Occasionally, I've been in a situation where they appear to have dropped off the face of the earth and don’t even get in contact to confirm/cancel a date, and do not respond to my messages.

Frequency and quality of contact
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When guys think this sort of behaviour is acceptable, it does upset me a little and does put me off dating. The last guy Megan dated freaked out (classic MFO phase), and she’s now taking a break from dating because she’s fed up with the guy.  To an extent, I agree because such behaviour does cause a lot of unnecessarily emotional turmoil and drama.

Post freak out

A guy can end the MFO phase by coming back to you, with or without an explanation, or simply disappearing with no further word.

Where the guys have come back to me, they initially scoped to see how I react to them.  Only when I've responded and if I've not told them to do one, will they apologise and explained that they got scared of the situation they found themselves in, and so ‘ran away’ from it.  Such guys don’t get in contact unless they want a second chance.

The danger with giving a guy another chance is that they can put you through emotional turmoil again if they freak out once again.  If this is a risk you think is worth taking, then you need to take it.  Otherwise, don’t. Unfortunately, each time I took a risk, it’s only resulted in them freaking out again.

In the instance where they just disappear… they just disappear and don’t offer you any closure.  I think a principle of modern day dating is that you can’t always expect closure.

Hurt
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I've based this post on my experience of the type of behaviour you can expect to see from a guy going through a freak out, and I hope it has helped you in realising you’re not alone if you have or are experiencing the same sort of behaviour from a guy.  As difficult as it is to accept, a guy who acts like a douchebag during a freak out isn't necessarily a bad guy; he’s just behaving like one.  However, this doesn't stop his behaviour really hurting your feelings.

In my next posts on the MFO phase, I will explain why some guys freak out, and how I cope when a guy I'm dating freaks out.

Approaches to Dating

The single teacher in search of the one

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It’s well acknowledged amongst my friends and family that I have a good grasp on how dating works – after 43 first dates, you can’t help but understand it – you have no choice on the matter!

Being on Match.com you will not be short of attention.  Admittedly, the attention you get isn’t always wanted.  I believe this is true for both men and women.  So, if there’s so much choice, how do you go about deciding who to date?  And who should you avoid?

This post is about my friend Alastair, an English teacher, in search of his the one.

Alastair is extremely well read (he banged on about The Odyssey and The Iliad in our first year of university for an entire term).  He has a masterful grasp of English (commenting greatly on my use of split infinitives when he proofread my final year dissertation).  Deep down Alastair is a little shy and self-doubting, but he is sensitive and caring.  However, when left to his own devices, he makes terrible choices when it comes to women.

In August 2012 I learnt that Alastair had joined Match.com but was only having limited success.  While at university he had a habit of going for the ‘smutty ones’ and it seemed like he hadn’t grown out of it.  As a result, he was choosing to contact women who society deems to be beautiful, placing little consideration on their moral character, interests, or intelligence.  Of the dates he did go on (not that many), it seemed that the women only knew Homer as a Simpsons character.  He just couldn’t connect on an emotional level with any of these women.

Online dating - which approach?

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Reluctantly, Alastair agreed to accept my help, on the basis that he would adhere to all my instructions, irrespective of whether he agreed to them or not.

I am of the belief that there are two main approaches to dating: statistical and precision.  It is no secret that dating is a stats game.  Therefore taking a statistical approach isn’t entirely illogical, because let’s face it, ‘you never know’ when you ‘give someone a chance’.  However, Alastair’s statistical approach wasn’t working for him; his statistical approach was physical connections led.  By physical connections, I mean Alastair was basing his statistical approach on the women’s appearance and proximity.

I advised (read instructed) Alastair to change his approach in who to contact and who to ask out on a first date.

Firstly, I wanted Alastair to lead his search through emotional connections: morality, interests, beliefs, and so on. Only once it is established that a woman meets the minimum emotional criteria, should he consider whether she meets his minimum physical criteria.

Physical and emotional connections

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Secondly, I wanted him to take a precision approach.  He was only allowed to date women who he felt he had enough of an emotional connection with who he was physically attracted to.  He was not allowed to date any woman who fell sort of either minimum criteria, in particular, the minimum emotional criteria, even if she made up for it by exceeding the physical connections.

In addition to giving him instructions of how to choose who to date and who to ask out, I rewrote his Match.com profile to show who he was really was as a person and gave him instructions of how to conduct a good first date, to make the most of meeting someone for the first time, and how to make a good impression.

It is possible for Alastair to have taken an emotional led statistical approach, or a physical led precision approach, but knowing Alastair and knowing he was looking for a proper relationship, I felt the emotional led precision approach would suit him best.

Alastair adhered to my instructions and kept the changes I made to his profile.  In December 2012 he had a first date with Amy, a science teacher.  Amy was first introduced to me in February 2013 and I thought she was the perfect match for Alastair: brilliant, beautiful, intelligent, and every bit of the Established Professional Female.

Moving in together

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I am pleased to say that they are still together.  They have just sold their respective properties and have bought a house together.  They are due to move into their new home next week.

They are an amazing couple and I’m incredibly happy for their found happiness; they are a couple that give me faith that love through online dating is possible.

So what approach do I take?

Time isn’t something which is abundant to me and very recently I seem to be working late most nights.  I am a sucker for a good looking man, but placing physical connections ahead of emotional ones just doesn’t cut it when the initial novelty of dating a really good looking guy has passed.

I have tried the physical led precision approach and the emotional led statistical approach.  What works best for me, and allows me to have the most enjoyable dates, is the emotional led precision approach.

Now, the question is which approach works best for you?  Different approaches suit different people and, depending on what you want, can cater for what you are looking for.  If the approach you are using isn’t getting you the results you want, consider trying out another one.  Be adventurous, open minded, and enjoy dating.

Vulnerabilities of the Established Professional Female

I think it is a misconception that women who are willing to date more than one guy are unable to connect emotionally with any one of them – after all, we date more than one guy to keep our options open. However, this is simply not true: we feel, we hurt, we cry.

Disappointment
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Yesterday, I was reminded that I am a woman who does have feelings and can feel hurt and be consumed by disappointment.  As an Established Professional Female, I am confident and content with who I am. Amongst friends, family and colleagues, I have an image of being a woman who plays hard ball when it comes to work and dating.  However, I am just like every other woman; I am every bit as emotionally vulnerable as those who do not feel confident and empowered.  Feeling confident, empowered, and content in oneself does not protect you from experiencing emotions, nor does it enable control over the way you feel.

In Dating and Relationships: Understanding the Agreement, I explained that my agreement with Mr Cool involved no exclusivity, and as such, I was single.  I saw Mr Cool yesterday – our 12th date.

We sat down for coffee, and after having a catch up on what we had been up to for the past week, he said, ‘So, I feel like I should let you know where you stand with me.’  He had mustered up the courage to have the talk with me.  The talk is a point in which someone suggests variations to the agreement – be it agreed exclusivity or termination of the agreement.

He had been distant during the week.  I braced myself for disappointment.

The beginning of the end
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Mr Cool wanted to terminate our agreement.  I saw it was hard for him to tell me; the top of his lip quivered as he spoke softly and apologised.

He told me that his feelings for me hadn’t developed as he would expect them to.  He knew that on paper I was everything he was looking for and that he was very attracted to me.  He had really hoped that his feelings would develop over the past few months.  However, they had not and he didn’t know why.  He didn’t know why he felt he couldn’t be in a relationship with me; he couldn’t put his finger on why he felt something was missing, but having given it time, he had come to care for me.  But he just felt he couldn’t move things forward and, although he enjoyed my company and spending time with me, he didn’t want to stand in my way of finding a relationship with someone else.  Because he cared for me, he wanted to ensure I could have closure, which was why he thought it best to tell me in person.

No one likes rejection, especially face to face.  However, no man should ever be punished for being decent and honest, even when the news isn’t what you want to hear.  But it is hard to take rejection face to face, especially from someone you really like who you see so much potential with.

Nevertheless, I forced a smile and said, ‘It is what it is and these things can’t always be explained’.  I thanked him from being honest and silently willed myself not to cry.  Despite not having emotional exclusivity, it hurt for me to hear his rejection because I had become emotionally attached to him.  Knowing you are not emotionally exclusive does not stop you from moving along the continuum and developing feelings; knowing only allows for you to recognise your options and to act upon them if you wish.

I was emotionally vulnerable.  I leave myself emotionally vulnerable every time I start dating a guy and I certainly did with Mr Cool.  I was firmly placed in the bit between dating and a relationship  – I wanted commitment exclusivity because I had involuntarily slid down the emotional exclusivity spectrum.

Emotionally vulnerable
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I told him that he shouldn’t feel bad because we were only dating; we weren’t exclusive and we both understood it.  But he said, ‘For me I view what we have as something more than just dating…’

With all the cards being shown, I took the opportunity to ask whether he had been dating anyone else.  It shouldn’t have mattered, but as he was offering me closure, I took the opportunity to understand the whole situation.

He said he hadn’t, and for the summer at least, he was probably going to take a break from dating because he wanted some time for himself.  He acknowledged that he hadn’t really spent any time by himself since getting out of his 10 year relationship in December.

It was only then I realised that he had achieved a greater degree of physical exclusivity than me.  Although he wanted commitment exclusivity, he couldn’t take that extra step; he had moved forward emotionally, but he had not achieved the level of emotional exclusivity he felt it required to be in a relationship.  He too was in the bit between dating and a relationship on the dating/relationship spectrum, albeit due to different elements of the agreement.
It was no secret that I had thought it very soon for him to start dating after getting out of his long-term relationship; he signed up to Match.com in January.  As we were being honest, I said that I believed he would benefit from learning how to be on his own so he could discover who he was as an individual outside of any sort of any relationship, and learn to be happy as an individual.

Mr Cool didn’t disagree with my opinion on the matter.  He has always found it commendable that I am so comfortable with myself.  He felt that by having known me, he has learnt something.

Good luck
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So here’s to you, Mr Cool.  Thank you for your honesty.  Should you ever stumble across my blog, know that, although I did not admit to you that this was anything more than dating for me, it did mean something to me also – something on an emotional level.  Despite the fact you did not see the potential that I did, this does not change how I perceive you.

I may possess the qualities of what you are looking for in a woman, but I may not be who you are looking for and now may not be the right time for you to have agreed exclusivity.  What I mean is that is I believe that once you’ve started to figure out who you are as an individual, you will have a better idea of what and who you really want; only then will it be the right time for you to consider being in a relationship.

I don’t want to be the one to stop you in finding the woman you feel you should be with.  Good luck in your search, Mr Cool, in finding her, but more importantly, in finding yourself.