Zara the Confused

The Established Professional Female with a plan
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I am not alone in being an openly career orientated woman.  Navigating through work is simpler than navigating through the minefield of the bit between dating and a relationship.

Being an ambitious, single woman with a career doesn’t prepare you for dealing with your personal life – you cannot treat your personal life like a business contract. In particular with me, I don’t always know what I’m doing; things aren’t always as mapped out for us as they first appear, and we’re not always as cool and collected as we like to appear.

Naive
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As I write this, I am currently on a flight back from Edinburgh. Edinburgh was a much needed escape from reality and the rat race, but more importantly, the dating game.

Whilst writing my two month update, I decided that due to work commitments and how I felt at present, now probably wasn’t the best time to be actively looking for a relationship. However, I would continue dating and after encouragement from Megan, I joined Tinder on the August Bank Holiday weekend. Megan thought I was missing out on a large part of modern dating by not immersing myself in the Tinder experience. So I joined with a view to just experience it. I expected nothing from it, especially after hearing Megan’s Tinder disaster stories.

Perhaps I was a little naive or a little misinformed. After a lot of treadmill messaging with numerous guys, one guy piqued my attention more than others – Mr Kilt. I felt myself strangely drawn to him.

Unexpected
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On the Monday I had my first Tinder date with Mr Kilt. I knew we had a lot in common, such as being in the same line of work, so if all else failed, we had a fall-back conversation topic.

Expecting so little from Tinder, I was pleasantly surprised with him and the date. In numerous ways, Mr Kilt both is and isn’t my type. He is a tall guy with a professional career in finance. But he is a man of few words and seldom smiles – very much the silent brooding type – but very deadpan-sarcastic with anything he does say, so a little difficult to read at times.

The Female Freak Out
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After the first date he asked me out again. On Thursday we had an impromptu date when I left work late, going for a few drinks. Again, I had a lovely time. But the next date on Saturday was probably one of the best dates I’ve been on. We also met up for dinner the following Tuesday and we scheduled to see each other once again on Sunday, before I was due to fly out to Edinburgh.

So, what’s the problem?

Simple answer: me.

I had a complete freak out and cancelled Sunday’s date.

I have written a short series on Male Freak Outs (MFOs) which highlights various elements of it. Well, women can freak out too.  And I certainly did.

Running away
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Why did I freak out?

This might seem stupid, but it was because it was going too well.  I liked him way more than I was comfortable with, and he’s too much of a knight in shining armour for what I’ve become accustomed to.  I’ve never come across a guy who offers to walk me home just to spend a little more time with me and to make sure I get home – no ulterior motive.

Being fiercely independent, career orientated, and single for the past 3 years, I’m not used to feeling like I do now.  In a strange way, I feel my career and independence being threatened.  I’m not used to craving his attention or looking forward to seeing him as much as I do.  Nor am I used to feeling guilty for going on dates with other guys.  However, we  have not discussed exclusivity.  Whilst on a date with Mr Woo all I could think about was how much I wished I was actually with Mr Kilt.  While I'm talking to other guys on Tinder, the only guy really I want to hear from is Mr Kilt.


Contemplating the solution
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Feeling things you’re not used to is scary and confusing.  And I admit it, I got scared and I didn’t know how to deal with it.  More than anything, the way I feel and the lack of control I have makes me feel insecure.  I hate feeling insecure and unsure of myself and any situation I find myself in.

What’s the solution?

To start, I ran away to Scotland and put 521km (according toTinder) between us.  My holiday was conveniently well timed.  Whilst there, although I did talk to other guys on Tinder, I didn't go on any dates.  I guess this allowed me to think about what was really important in my life and what I ultimately want.

Mr Kilt knows I freaked out – I told him.  He has been incredibly patient and he has let me sort out my head in my own time.  When I said he wasn’t my usual type, I think it’s evident by the fact he’s so laid back and spontaneous.  But maybe that’s what I need...

Online Dating Fail: Unreasonable Expectations

Being somewhat married to my job for the past 4 weeks has hindered not only my social life, but my dating prowess.  So I was pleased when I managed to secure my 44th first date (41st courtesy of Match.com) after a week of corresponding with Mr Watch.

Online dating whilst being married to the job
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Mr Watch wasn't my usual type, however friends had been telling me to consider guys who I wouldn't usually.  Given Mr Watch and I had things in common and had been corresponding for over a week, I thought it a good idea to be open minded.

The date itself went well, although he seemed a little distracted by his phones at times.  Within the first hour of us meeting, he took a business call.  He also talked about work and his money far more than I was comfortable with.

Despite having a pleasant time, I left the date a little unsure.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was just nervous and that there was a language barrier (he wasn't a native English speaker).  I did like him, so I wanted to see him again to establish whether there was something worth pursuing.

The next day, I woke up feeling exhausted, with my contact lenses still in (again).  I had also left my Match.com account logged in on my laptop overnight.  I saw I had a message on my phone from Mr Watch: he was seeing family.  Knowing he was busy, I sent a brief response and thought nothing more of it – I didn't want to disturb him.  I spent the rest of my day napping, doing laundry, catching up on admin, and writing last week’s blog post, The Male Freak Out Phase: Coping Mantra. 

That evening when I checked my Match.com account, I saw that Mr Watch had sent me a message asking me how I was enjoying Match.com.  I found it strange, since we had started to message by phone.  I replied by phone asking what he meant, despite sensing he was annoyed at me.  His response: he found me disappointing (!) because I was constantly online.  He said it wasn't like I had a busy day (!) so didn't know why I was so quiet and didn't message him more throughout the day.  Moreover, he found it surprising that I was still on Match.com, i.e. I still had an active profile and was logged in, when we had a good date the night before and we had agreed to a second date.

Seriously, after ONE DATE?!

I appreciate that he could feel a little upset by seeing my profile still active.  But there is a reasonable way of going about expressing yourself… he was not doing that…

… I had to take a few deep breaths…

It had been one date.  ONE DATE!

It had been a pleasant date, and I had agreed to see him again, but we were dating – not in a relationship!  His expectations of me were, I felt, unreasonable after just one date. 

Furthermore, we hadn't discussed coming off Match.com (not that I would have agreed anyway when I wasn't 100% sure about him AND it had only been ONE DATE).  Although he did not make demands for me to do what he expected, rather to just realise and know what to do, I felt the situation and his behaviour was made even more unreasonable.

I explained to him that for the time being, while we weren't in a relationship, if he wanted to date other women, that was fine.  This was the nature of online dating, and we didn't have agreed exclusivity.  I made myself clear that he can’t expect me to come off Match.com when we hadn't even discussed it!

I find it off putting when a guy complains that I do not message enough and can’t appreciate that I need downtime on my own.  More off putting is a guy who expects me to know what he thinks.

I have pretty good female intuition, but I've yet to develop my psychic powers.  As soon as I do, sod dating – I'm becoming a superhero!

What surprised me the most was his petulant attitude and response.  There was no mature discussion, just a strop and lashing out.  I don’t expect nor can I tolerate that from a grown man. 

After his strop, he told me he couldn't talk to me because he was busy.  This was feeling like a personal attack, despite it being my actions which he was disappointed in.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't end there!

Seriously, what the hell, Mr Watch?
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At midnight he messaged me again on Match.com while I was turning my laptop off and getting ready for bed.  This time he insinuated that my approach to dating was just to use men and to get laid, and that I wasn't really looking for a relationship!

I had work the next morning and needed to sleep.  I didn't have time to deal with this.

Shortly afterwards I saw I had a missed call from him too.  I knew at this point I needed to nip it in the bud.  I responded by message, saying that I thought we were too different as people to continue dating.  He responded that it was a shame; he liked me and he was planning on taking me to an amazing restaurant which I would have loved.  But we had discussed this enough already.  I agreed that it was a shame because I did like him, but as with dating, sometimes it just didn't work.

AND THEN… he called me again… to discuss everything we had already discussed in our messages!

He questioned what I was looking for; forcing his opinion on me that I was going about things the wrong way and I would never find anyone decent.  He kept repeating everything.  Despite me saying I wasn't psychic and didn't know what he wanted, he stated it was common sense and I should have known!

When he insinuated again that I was wrong and just used men, I lost all patience with him.  I said my piece, told him I had no more time for him if he had nothing new to say, then ended the call.

It did occur to me that maybe I was being a bitch, but when I spoke to friends, both male and female, they were surprised that I was as patient as I was with him.  They think his response was over the top and inappropriately possessive.  They thought I would have cut ties with him the moment he got arsey and possessive, knowing that I don’t tolerate unreasonable behaviour.  I feel I often give the impression of being unforgiving and harsh, but do actually give people the benefit of the doubt and I certainly try to be as open minded as possible.

Too tired to deal with his drama
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There are constructive and non-confrontational ways of expressing yourself if you’re unhappy about someone’s behaviour; his wasn't the right way.  His behaviour didn't make me feel like I wanted to be with him.  I don’t feel it’s justifiable to throw a strop at someone after one date for still having an active online dating profile, especially without discussing taking the profiles down.  And it wasn't like he had taken his profile down either!  It was a little creepy that he was stalking my online presence and then commented on it.

So, the message from this is: guys – don’t go weird on a woman after one date.  This applies to women too.  It’s just not helpful and you can pretty much kiss goodbye to your chance of a second date.