Dating & Relationships: Understanding the Agreement

In The Approach of the Alpha Male, I introduced the concept of being single despite dating.  This stems from there being a difference between dating and relationships, but I didn’t go into detail.  This is where I hope to explain my view.

Online dating - the new norm
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Through advertising campaigns and the instant nature of sites and apps such as Tinder, online dating has increased in popularity and is now mainstream.  Finding people to date has become much easier and this is reflected in my dating stats: since March 2012, I’ve clocked 43 first dates as of May 2014, 40 of which were courtesy of Match.com.

Until recently the terms dating and relationships could be used almost synonymously.  In my mid-20’s when I was single, and before online dating became the norm, I had never dated more than one guy at once because I couldn’t find suitable guys to date.  Sure, I would go out nearly every weekend, but I rarely met any guys who I wanted to spend more time with and get to know.  During this time, I didn’t distinguish between dating and relationships.

My attitude towards dating has changed and I think it is important to understand the difference between dating and being in a relationship in light of the new cultural norm; it’s about understanding the agreement.

Perhaps it’s a little methodical calling what you have an agreement, but I think that is essentially what it is.  Dating and relationship mean different things to different people: what one person considers dating could be someone else’s idea of a relationship.  This could lead to potential misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Many dating advice sites suggest that dating is when you go out, spend time together and get to know each other to find out whether you can establish a relationship; they consider the difference between dating and a relationship to be commitment – agreeing to see each other on a regular basis and only see each other.

Physical Exclusivity

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I feel that is quite a simplistic view of dating and relationships and suggests that everyone who dates wants a relationship.  I know from personal experience that the latter is not the case.  I don’t feel it’s an either/or situation nor do I feel that the defining factor is when you agree to only see each other on a regular basis.  Furthermore, my understanding of commitment doesn’t include aspects of seeing each other on a regular basis.

There are many different types of agreements in existence: long-term open relationships; exclusive short-term relationships; long distant relationships; teenage first-love relationships.  The either/or basis cannot categorise these types of agreements, and there are varying degrees of physical, emotional and committal involvement.

Therefore, instead of calling what you have dating or a relationship, we should consider the elements of the agreement.  The characteristics to gauge where you are on the dating/relationship spectrum are as follows:

Emotional Exclusivity

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Physical Exclusivity (“PhEx”) – spending time romantically with one person only.  This includes intimate and dating activities, such as going out for dinner and sex.  However, depending on the agreement, sex may or may not be a boundary matter.  In the traditional sense physical exclusivity is monogamy.

Emotional Exclusivity (“EmEx”) – reserving all romantic feelings for one person only.  Love.

Commitment Exclusivity (“CoEx”) – I understand this to be when you see a future with someone and are dedicated to them and your potential future together.  I consider this to be different to exclusivity.  I see commitment as being linked to longevity – long-term relationships and marriage.  It is more than just seeing someone on a regular basis.

Commitment Exclusivity
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There can be various types of agreement with different combinations of PhEx, EmEx and CoEx.  Each characteristic is on a spectrum, so no two agreements are likely to be exactly the same.  What is important and what makes the agreement work is a mutual understanding and open communication.

Regarding dating to determine whether you can establish a relationship, I view it as getting to know each other in order to determine what type of agreement you want.  This may not necessarily be a relationship.  You may even decide to terminate the agreement.  This gives scope for people who aren’t ready for relationships to date.

Call it what you want – dating or a relationship, but let’s face it, when you’re a 30 year old grown woman, whatever you call a relationship is most likely going to be very different to what a 16 year old girl calls her relationship with her first love!

Still single
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In conclusion, I am dating, but I am single.  By that very nature, I am free to date other guys if I wanted to.  This isn’t a matter of game playing, playing hard to get, or being a player.  Quite simply, it is about understanding the agreement and understanding your options.

Mr Cool told me after the 9th date that he didn’t want to ‘rush into a relationship’ – he brought this up in conversation.  I am happy to continue dating Mr Cool – he is an amazing guy.  However, it would be imprudent of him to think he is my sole option.  Until he decides what he wants, or I find another option – whichever happens first – nothing changes: we were single before this discussion; we are both still single now. 

The Approach of the Alpha Male

This wasn’t my anticipated second blog entry, but after a conversation I had a few weeks ago where I consciously observed the chain of events, it amused me how every confident professional guy I have met uses what appears to be a set of rules in order to say hello.

Well deserved after work drink

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Megan suggested going for a few after work drinks at No5 Cavendish Square; it is the sort of bar that attracts the traders of Bond Street and Mayfair; where the price of drinks include a premium for being in the establishment.  When we arrived, it was mainly full of couples on dates and men in suits and no ties.  I’ve dated enough bankers and traders to be able to spot a real one in his natural playground.

After being there for about an hour, we got into conversation with a group of four guys, three of whom worked in finance (the fourth one in the group looked as awkward as hell!).

I’ve noticed that when I meet professional guys on nights out that they almost always use the same routine to ascertain my eligibility stats.  First, they introduce themselves with a handshake, but without invading my personal space.  Then they ask a standard range of questions: what I do for a living, why I’m out drinking, whether I live in London and, in a round about way, whether I have a boyfriend.  Age isn’t broached until later, which sometimes can be very awkward.

The greeting
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Once they’ve established I have no boyfriend, it can become awkward if they are blinded by their own egos and make incorrect assumptions in thinking I am interested in them, when in fact, I’m just talking to them because I like talking about finance, politics and current affairs, and see them as a potential professional contact.

I got talking to the trader of the group, while his friends spoke to Megan.  The trader and I talked shop and flexed our occupational prowess.  I friend-zoned him within seconds – he wasn’t my type, and perhaps hinted one too many time at how much money he earned.  Deliberately, not wanting to give him any indication that I was interested in him, I slipped in the ‘I think you and I could be really good friends’ line into conversation, which he laughed at.

Regardless of this, he eventually approached the subject of whether I had a boyfriend, but only after first paying me a negative compliment.  I responded with a negative compliment directed at him and made it very evident that I knew what he was trying to do.  I don’t think he was used to girls responding like that!

Friend-zoned
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After he got over the surprise he asked whether I had a minimum salary requirement and whether I expected guys to buy me designer handbags and shoes.  Apparently guys actually buy girls such gifts – I appear to be missing out on a trick here!  As selective as I am, provision of handbags and shoes have never been a requirement for whether I date a guy or not.  I suppose I took my Established Professional Female stance on the matter and explained to the trader that I have a career, I am financially comfortable, and I live within my means but can afford to indulge in a few luxuries.  Moreover, I am more than capable of buying my own handbags and shoes, thank you very much!

I did, however, answer the real question.  I confirmed that I wasn’t in a relationship, but I was currently dating a guy – Mr Cool.

I can buy my own shoes!
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David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

Initially, the trader didn’t understand what that meant.  When he spoke to his friends, he referred to me as having a boyfriend.  I was quick to correct him – I did not consider Mr Cool to be my boyfriend; I was very much single and free to date any other guys if I wanted.

The trader and his friends were confused: how could I date a guy, for him not to be my boyfriend, and for me to be able to date other guys?  Good question.

My intended blog entry was about the difference between dating and relationships, but I’ll save that for another time.

The trader joked that until then, he was going to ask me out, but now he felt a little scared because I dated like an alpha male.  However, in understanding there was no boyfriend, he started to invade my personal space and ask about what kind of dates I liked to go on and my idea of the perfect date.

Primal alpha male
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I was relieved when one of his friends, who had been talking to Megan, started talking to me.  It transpired that that we worked in close proximity of each other and we got talking about the area.  The trader was not happy about his friend talking to me and called him the ‘ultimate cock-block’ because he genuinely thought he had a chance with me (his other friends told me this).

I should have anticipated the trader’s response the moment I spoke to another alpha male.  It’s curious how alpha males interact normally, and how they interact when they perceive each other as threats: it triggers a primal, competitive ‘each for their own’ mentality that would otherwise lie dormant.

So, the next time you find yourself amongst a group of alpha males, just see whether they follow the pattern I’ve encountered. I’d be interested to know your thoughts!

The Established Professional Female

I don’t think I find myself in an unusual position of being 30, single and childless. A quick browse through any dating website and you will see an abundance of single women in their 30’s still looking for Mr Right. According to the Office of National Statistics, 45% of women are childless at the point they reach their 30th birthday. This is attributable to women being better educated, pursuing careers and delaying marriage and relationships due to financial independence. I am a mere textbook statistic. But don’t write me off just yet.

The 30th birthday

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The term Bridget Jones Syndrome has been bounded around for decades to describe the single 30-something year old woman who has yet to find her Mr Darcy. However, the term has negative connotations and depicts calorie-counting, chain-smoking single woman who drinks a little too much. She is a childless woman with a disappointing career, who fantasises about being rescued from the stigma of being single by bad boy Daniel Cleaver. She owns a pair of iconic stomach sucking in pants that also holds her world together while she longs for affection and attention. Bridget Jones Syndrome is laced with facets of disappointment and stigma. Is this what society expects all single women to be like by the point they hit 30?

I can identify with our heroine: I party too hard, drink too much, and then suffer the hangovers from hell. I too face the awkward questions of why I am still single and, I admit, there are ‘elements of the ridiculous about [me]’. And as for the items put into my shopping basket – they screams to the world that I am single.

The professional female

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What I struggle to identify with is Bridget Jones’ disappointment and self pity with regard to being single and her tolerance to being treated badly.

I believe I am not alone in being one of the thousands of career orientated women who, although single, do not feel disappointed with the way life has turned out. I don’t just have a job; I have a career which is very important to me. I work in a competitive, high-pressured, male dominated environment and I am happy. I consider myself an established professional female, not someone who is inflicted by Bridget Jones Syndrome.

The UK is far from becoming a gender egalitarian society, but I make no apologies for being childless and unmarried at aged 30 with aspirations that extend beyond marriage. As an established professional female I bought my first property at age 28 and am completely self sufficient and defiantly independent. There is no shame in being an independent, self aware, high achiever. But that is not to say I am not looking for a boyfriend. On the contrary, I have been actively dating for the past 2 years in order to seek out my Mr Darcy (via the Daniel Cleavers), and at times I have wished the ground would open up and swallow me. But unlike those inflicted by Bridget Jones Syndrome, I do not see a boyfriend as a means to an end, nor am I waiting to be rescued.

The alpha male

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There in itself lies the problem and explanation – being an established professional female. When you are as competitive and tough as any man you work with, you seek out the alpha males to date.

There is almost an element of narcissism involved, where you are essentially looking to date the male version of you. I am guilty of this. As a result I have a habit, and reputation, for dating bankers, traders, barristers, solicitors, accountants and executives. These men tick the box in being very male, but they may not be relationship-inclined.

Nevertheless, there is no desperate longing which is associated with Bridget Jones Syndrome. I do not focus on one man – I am willing to date more than one man at a time and I place self respect and dignity above any man in my life.

In believing that there is a difference between Bridget Jones and an established professional female, I hope this blog – my project – will inspire women to feel empowered with whatever position they find themselves in, and to educate men in how to treat women whom they date in order to be successful.

Each blog entry will be based on personal experience, statistics and from conversations with friends. I appreciate not everyone will agree with my approach to dating, but this is the approach which has made me feel most empowered and happy, and facilitated happiness for friends and colleagues in their budding relationships.

Alone but not lonely

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