Zara the Confused

The Established Professional Female with a plan
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photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I am not alone in being an openly career orientated woman.  Navigating through work is simpler than navigating through the minefield of the bit between dating and a relationship.

Being an ambitious, single woman with a career doesn’t prepare you for dealing with your personal life – you cannot treat your personal life like a business contract. In particular with me, I don’t always know what I’m doing; things aren’t always as mapped out for us as they first appear, and we’re not always as cool and collected as we like to appear.

Naive
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As I write this, I am currently on a flight back from Edinburgh. Edinburgh was a much needed escape from reality and the rat race, but more importantly, the dating game.

Whilst writing my two month update, I decided that due to work commitments and how I felt at present, now probably wasn’t the best time to be actively looking for a relationship. However, I would continue dating and after encouragement from Megan, I joined Tinder on the August Bank Holiday weekend. Megan thought I was missing out on a large part of modern dating by not immersing myself in the Tinder experience. So I joined with a view to just experience it. I expected nothing from it, especially after hearing Megan’s Tinder disaster stories.

Perhaps I was a little naive or a little misinformed. After a lot of treadmill messaging with numerous guys, one guy piqued my attention more than others – Mr Kilt. I felt myself strangely drawn to him.

Unexpected
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On the Monday I had my first Tinder date with Mr Kilt. I knew we had a lot in common, such as being in the same line of work, so if all else failed, we had a fall-back conversation topic.

Expecting so little from Tinder, I was pleasantly surprised with him and the date. In numerous ways, Mr Kilt both is and isn’t my type. He is a tall guy with a professional career in finance. But he is a man of few words and seldom smiles – very much the silent brooding type – but very deadpan-sarcastic with anything he does say, so a little difficult to read at times.

The Female Freak Out
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After the first date he asked me out again. On Thursday we had an impromptu date when I left work late, going for a few drinks. Again, I had a lovely time. But the next date on Saturday was probably one of the best dates I’ve been on. We also met up for dinner the following Tuesday and we scheduled to see each other once again on Sunday, before I was due to fly out to Edinburgh.

So, what’s the problem?

Simple answer: me.

I had a complete freak out and cancelled Sunday’s date.

I have written a short series on Male Freak Outs (MFOs) which highlights various elements of it. Well, women can freak out too.  And I certainly did.

Running away
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Why did I freak out?

This might seem stupid, but it was because it was going too well.  I liked him way more than I was comfortable with, and he’s too much of a knight in shining armour for what I’ve become accustomed to.  I’ve never come across a guy who offers to walk me home just to spend a little more time with me and to make sure I get home – no ulterior motive.

Being fiercely independent, career orientated, and single for the past 3 years, I’m not used to feeling like I do now.  In a strange way, I feel my career and independence being threatened.  I’m not used to craving his attention or looking forward to seeing him as much as I do.  Nor am I used to feeling guilty for going on dates with other guys.  However, we  have not discussed exclusivity.  Whilst on a date with Mr Woo all I could think about was how much I wished I was actually with Mr Kilt.  While I'm talking to other guys on Tinder, the only guy really I want to hear from is Mr Kilt.


Contemplating the solution
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Feeling things you’re not used to is scary and confusing.  And I admit it, I got scared and I didn’t know how to deal with it.  More than anything, the way I feel and the lack of control I have makes me feel insecure.  I hate feeling insecure and unsure of myself and any situation I find myself in.

What’s the solution?

To start, I ran away to Scotland and put 521km (according toTinder) between us.  My holiday was conveniently well timed.  Whilst there, although I did talk to other guys on Tinder, I didn't go on any dates.  I guess this allowed me to think about what was really important in my life and what I ultimately want.

Mr Kilt knows I freaked out – I told him.  He has been incredibly patient and he has let me sort out my head in my own time.  When I said he wasn’t my usual type, I think it’s evident by the fact he’s so laid back and spontaneous.  But maybe that’s what I need...

The Venue Review - Sketch

Street entrance
9 Conduit Steet

The Venue: Sketch  www.sketch.uk.com

The Location: 9 Conduit Street, London

Nearest Tube: Oxford Circus, exit 5

The Date: The first time I went to Sketch was in March 2014, for a first date with Mr Truffle. It had been a place I had heard of before and really wanted to visit, so was really excited when Mr Truffle told me that was where we were going.

On the evening Mr Truffle was waiting for me outside the entrance to the bar. Mr Truffle was my 41st date since March 2012, and 38th Match.com date.

On entering we were promptly greeted and guided (via the free cloakroom) to the Glade Bar, draped in green with wicker furniture (which quickly snagged my tights). I was in my work clothes – I rarely bother changing to go on dates when it’s after work.

View from the cloakroom
towards the road

The Glade Bar
Past the cloakroom on the left

Lovely Bubbly cocktails
at the East Bar

Everyone working there greeted you with a smile and was exceptionally polite. Mr Truffle had booked a table, so he had clearly given the date some thought. The lights were dimmed and there was a relaxing date ambiance, where you could talk, hear, but not be overheard, although we sat in front of each other in an almost interview-like style. There were other couples on dates, as well as small groups of women. I didn't get the impression it was a place for single women to go to pick up men.

The East Bar

Although Mr Truffle was a sweet guy, I wasn't entirely sure he was the one. I just wasn't feeling it – there was something too nice and non-ambitious about him which started tipping him into the friend zone. Being a work night, I think we stayed for about 3 drinks each before calling it a night. He was a gentleman, insisted on picking up the bill, and then walked me to the tube stop. A kiss on each cheek to say goodnight, but not a proper kiss.

The Overview: Sketch is a stylish bar in central London consisting of four distinct rooms and a Michelin star restaurant, and has been featured in Made in Chelsea. It is easy to find, but its location just away from the main Oxford Street area means that it is far less touristy than other venues in the area. The entrance itself is impressive, with understated but grand lighting and a friendly doorman. There is something quintessentially Britishly quirky about it.


It is very versatile, and the differently decorated areas make the venue suitable for a date, after work drinks with the girls or afternoon tea. Sketch has a sophisticated atmosphere, friendly staff, and amazing (though slightly pricey) cocktails. However, the cocktail prices are on par with those you get in other good cocktail bars in London which are worth a visit. The venue also provides table service, with a 12.5% service charge on the bill.

Toilets, situated above the East Bar

Holly and I visited late on a summer Saturday afternoon and were swiftly shown through to the futuristic and pod-like East Bar, via the Gallery. The East Bar is certainly very different to the Glade, and this area would perhaps not be so suited to a date due to the more exposed bench-like seating circling the sunken bar. However like the Glade Bar, the music was loud enough to prevent us being overheard but low enough to talk easily and would be a perfect start to a girls’ night out in Central London (Holly was definitely a fan!). And the sleek white space-pod toilets are a statement all on their own.

The Verdict: Sketch’s versatility would make it a great venue for an after work date, but a reservation would be recommended, and the more relaxed and intimate atmosphere of the Glade Bar would be much more suited to a date than the East Bar.

If you want to impress on a date but be a little outside the box, Sketch is highly recommended.

The ZFP